Parenting Secrets We Like to Keep Secret

posted by Momo Fali on October 17, 2007

Did you ever notice how many things no one tells you about parenting before you have kids? I’m not talking about how you’ll never sleep again. Plenty of people told me that. No, I mean the little things. For instance, no one ever told me…

That I would keep empty water bottles in my car for my son to pee in when we’re on the road.

That my longest fingernail would become the “booger-picker-outer”, and if that didn’t work, I’d retrieve boogers with a toothpick.

That I would wipe snot off my son’s face with a leaf.

That kids like to hide things around the house and you won’t find them for a long, long time. Things like cups full of milk, dirty underwear, and sandwiches.

That it’s necessary to cheat at Chutes and Ladders, or else the game goes on forever.

That poop becomes hard and crusty when removed from a diaper and smeared onto a coffee table.

That I would actually say things like, “You’re not allowed to stick your finger in the dog’s butt” or “You can’t drink water out of the toilet”.

Or, that I would have to call poison control, because my daughter would drink the toilet water anyway.

    Comments

  • BusyDad


    Ha, how true these are! Another thing nobody told me was that I’d be spending ridiculous amounts of time on google and wikipedia looking stuff up because I don’t want to let my son down with a “I have no clue” when he asks me a “why is” or “what is” question.

  • newnorth


    hahahaha! Thanks for the warning :p
    (and, in my other comment, I meant nosey, the one where it’s none of their business. I can’t keep the two words seperate)

  • Bec


    lol and EW! all at the same time.

    The many things I have to look forward to. What did poison control say by the way?

  • Corey~living and loving


    and no one told you that through all those things….you’d still be happy, huh?
    fun post!

  • Avery Gray


    The booger thing is so true! My husband says I’m really good at “harvesting the gold” (gross, huh?) from Ethan’s nose. I do it to his ears, too. The ear wax we call ear potatoes, so my son has taken to calling his boogers nose potatoes. Oi!

  • Quirkee James


    I have come across several old sippy cups full of milk in the last few years. I made the mistake of opening one to wash it once.

    BLEEEEECH!!

    The others had a date with the trashcan.

  • Shauna Loves Chocolate


    Oh so true. So true.

  • boogiemum (www.boogiemum.com)


    you made me laugh b/c it is all so true. toby drank of the toilet a few times but I never thought to call poison control. I just freaked out and was disgusted. I wonder, what did they say?

  • Momo Fali


    Poison Control had me give her more water. I was concerned because there was a bleach tablet in the tank, but they said there was enough water in the bowl to dilute it, so it wouldn’t do much harm.

  • Josi


    LOL–and how about one day you’d admit it to all of cyber land?

    I never would have guessed that I’d one day scoop up vomit with my hands because i knew the paper towel wouldn’t hold it and didn’t want to waste a washrag–it’s a lot easier to wash your hands.

  • Nesting Momma


    the real joys of parenting…

  • ~JJ!


    Yup.

    We should write a book.

  • Mom Chatter


    Love it! I found a sippy cup at the bottom of our toy box recently… only found it because it leaked and there was a stench coming from the toy box. …AND I’m sure there are many more lovely adventures to experience before they are all grown up! 🙂

  • terancedubya


    Its best to keep to NOT tell expecting parents these sorts of things. Who would want to even have a child after hearing all of these stories?

  • Lyssa Ireland Thomas


    I hate that these are all true. Worse yet – I hate that it made me laugh because it’s true! Good job and Godspeed!

  • BOSSY


    If we knew, the Proliferation of Man? Not so much.

  • Joeprah


    …that poop becomes hard and crusty when removed from a diaper and smeared onto a coffee table.

    LMAO! Awesome! I love this stuff. I think we all have our lists but yours is perfect.

  • Blue Momma


    Aren’t those sippy cups with the fuzzy black used-to-be milk a joy to find?

  • MommySpeak


    Lol I love your list! One thing I never thought I would be doing is talking about poop as much as I talk about it now. My husband and I have daily conversations about how many times our son pooped and all the details. Corn poopie, Sweet potatoe, mmm green bean poop is my favorite! Ha ha Just kidding!

  • childlife


    I think it’s a preservation of the species thing… If we had only known… : )

    Chunky-milk-filled sippy cups – my favorite treasure hunt game : P

  • Mediocre Housewife


    Ah, so funny! And so true. Never thought of using a toothpick. I’ve used tweezers before, though…

  • Secret Agent Mama


    I am going as the Nose Avenger for Halloween. I’m so booger and nose obsessed, it’s not even funny. Toothpicks. Crap, and here I’ve been being gentle with Q-tips!

  • Jamie E


    ROFL!!!!!!! The booger thing…it’s so funny the things that become “normal” in the context of motherhood. Sometimes if my bff hangs out(childless) with the fam, she shoots me quite a few disgusted glances, I’m like “just you wait” in my head!
    FUNNY!!!

  • Irene


    You said it sister! The reason nobody tells you is either (a) they want you to join in on their misery or (b) they’re so tired that can’t think straight. Then, there is (c) Both A and B.

  • K. Darrell


    I got one for you. How about don’t climb the walls…. and I mean literally not figuratively. LOL

  • Candace


    how much do I love laughing out loud when I’m reading a blog? It doesn’t happen that often so I truly cherish it.
    i think it was the leaf line.

  • tanya25m


    So true, so true. I think if I had known all this, I would have had second thoughts about having a child 🙂

    Great post!

  • Genevieve Choate


    ROFLMAO. OMG these are great.

    I’ve had to tell mine “Quit kissing the toilet.”

  • cathouse teri


    Now, if we had told you all that, would you have had children?? Hmmm??? Where then would that leaves us in our responsibility toward procreation??

  • TZT


    THAT was disturbingly funny.
    Know what else is disturbingly funny? The ads coming up on your Google AdSense, I’m guessing based on this post and the last.

  • Jennifer aka Binky Bitch


    I already knew the one about Chutes and ladders before kids, but the rest were quite a surprise!

    This was a hilarious post!

  • so grateful to be Mormon!


    good morning.

    thanks for stopping by my buzz site.

    ah, i loved the bottle for your son to pee in if necessary comment! you made me giggle! i must come back again to read more of your blog. gotta run, take care, kathleen 🙂

  • Jill


    How about when you take apart a car seat to clean it? I seriously thought a rat was going to jump out at me when I removed the cover from my Britax.

    As for the sippy cups with milk. When I find one under the bed, or in the car, I shake it. If I detect anything solid in it-it’s history!

  • Tristi Pinkston


    I found a pile of 17 wet Pullups in the back of my son’s closet, under his toys. Yes, all the toys had to be washed. The carpet had to be shampooed. And I cried.

    All because he didn’t want to get in trouble for a wet Pullup.

    May I just say, 17 wet Pullups will get you in a lot more trouble?

  • Mommin' It Up!


    SHHH!! Don’t TELL! WHY are you telling? Let us maintain a shred of dignity….oh wait…I lost my dignity during childbirth….or possibly at my final pre-natal exam…carry on!

  • Mimi aka pz5wjj


    Oh I am laughing so hard! Thanks! That was not only TRUE but funny!

  • Mike


    All families have cutesy monikers for “private body parts”.

    One of the phrases we used constantly tell our son was “Get your hands off the dog’s tweeter”.

    Great stuff.

  • Xbox4NappyRash


    My first snort/guffaw of laughter today, very funny.

    Nice blog, I’m catching up on it !

  • Mrs4444


    omg-This is hilarious.

    Sad to see So Grateful to Be Mormon’s sweet comment, though.

    Still, I’m going to share this 🙂

  • Emily


    But if they never told us these things we would most unlikely chose not to have kids in the first place. Shhh, don’t tell this to couples with children! Bwah, ha ha ha!

  • dysfunctional mom


    I don’t pick other people’s boogers, not even my kids. I don’t deal with loose teeth either. I can do blood and all kind of other nasty stuff, but no boogies or teeth.
    Otherwise, I feel ya. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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