I’ll Stick To My Own Unfulfilled Resolutions

posted by Momo Fali on December 26, 2007

I just finished reading the latest copy of U.S. News & World Report. This is simply one indication of my age. Not only do I read it, I subscribe to it. I am old.

The cover story in this latest issue is 50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2008. Here are a few of their suggestions…and what I think of them.

1. Try open water swimming.
Just a few days ago, I read about Vibrio Vulnificus, a bacteria found in salt water which can invade any open sore on your body and lead to amputations and death. Open water swimming? I think not.

2. Cut back on corn.
Had they said this would improve the life of my sewer line, I might have bought it.

3. Waltz your way to better fitness.
And where exactly will I find someone to waltz with? Unless Tony Romo was his dancing partner, my husband would rather stick hot needles in his eyes.

4. Give a healthcare giftcard.
This seems nothing more than a slap in the face. “Hi. You seem old, sick and frail and I doubt you’ll be around to blow the candles out on your cake next year. Here’s a little something to help pay those doctor bills. Oh, and happy birthday!”

5. Read an international newspaper.
I have a hard enough time reading what the American media has to say, do I really need to cross a border for more of the same?

6. Get a raise.
Oh! Okay! Just like that.

7. Avoid recalls. Make your own toys.
Ingesting lead would hurt my children less than the toys I would make.

8. Avoid air travel delays.
Getting that raise would be easier.

9. Knit like a hipster.
What does that even mean? What am I supposed to knit? A peace symbol? A poem? A beatnik afghan?

10. Yawn.
Done.

    Comments

  • BusyDad


    11. Read hilarious posts like this. (I’ll buy that. Except for the fact that I’m right now skipping my lunchtime gym routine to do it, so I guess it’s a wash.)

  • holly


    wait, i already don’t eat much corn. does that mean my life is better than yours? how much better?

    i’m really curious. how will our lives be better through knitting? this is one skill i don’t have. i’m unconvinced it is the one keeping me from being unfulfilled…

    totally funny, this was. šŸ™‚

  • newnorth


    well I got number 10 down :p

  • Bec


    I think knitting like a hipster may require only knitting things that allow the public viewing access to your underwear.

  • Tara R.


    That is hilarious. Makes me want to get a copy of the mag to read the other 40 to find out if they are just as funny. Thanks for sharing.

  • Meleah Rebeccah


    Oh my God…. this was hilarious. GREAT commentary!

  • piper of love


    You are one funny chick! If you decide to knit a beatknick afgan, will you please mail it to me…it would make my life complete!

    And, I’m with you on the get a raise…I’m going to get one right now.

  • piper of love


    and I completely mispelled that…totally on purpose, for full affect. (bs)

  • suchsimplepleasures


    OK…what the heck is a hipster? i used to knit…does that mean i used to be a hipster?

    hilarious post…
    btw…i’ll be doing the drinking, tomorrow. you can do the baking, k? (that’s in response to the comment you left on my post…just in case hardening of the brain has struck you…in your middle age!)

  • wornoutwoman


    shakin’ my head and laughin out loud. Yup I’m right there with ya on those. Oh and how are we supposed to even make toys anyways??? With popcicle sticks and glue? I don’t think so? I can’t even spell popcicle right..let alone make a toy from one!!

  • Corey~living and loving


    Thanks for the great laugh. šŸ™‚ I needed it!

  • mikster


    lol…. Well, if nothing else, i hope you feel better that now I don’t have to read that article. Excellent responses btw!

  • Amy Turn Sharp


    yr not old! Yr funny as hell though

  • terancedubya


    There must be a bunch of monkeys on the typewriters over at U.S. News & World Report. Stop eating corn? What the hell is that? I personally enjoy seeing the kernels of nutrition in my poop bowl every now and again…oh…huh…I actually typed faster than I can think. Sorry. You didn’t need to read that. Wishing you a late merry christmas and a super-duper new year.

  • Avery Gray


    It’s like they opened a window into my soul and studied what makes me such a fulfilled and happy individual, then wrote it all down in article form for the whole world to see. I feel exposed.

  • Rachel


    ROFL!
    Um… why corn? Just curious.
    I get knitting because it’s soothing and relaxing (unless you don’t know how to do it and then your blood pressure rises as you struggle with the NOT stabbing people through the eye with the blasted needles)

    Thanks for the grins.

  • Kim


    Awesome post. I am confused about the whole “knit like a hipster” thing. Is it now hip to knit? Suddenly that makes my 97yo grandma hip. Not a word I have ever associated with her. Broken hip and hip replacement sure, but not hip!

  • Kimmylyn


    This is a great read..Esp after the day I am having.. Thanks for the laugh!!

  • jennifer


    These are SO helpful, especially about eating less corn??? WTF?

  • Stephen


    šŸ™‚

  • Tot's Mom


    You have given us a very good preview of that 50 ways. I think I can just skip it now. šŸ™‚
    ANd thanks for dropping by my new place and the fav. Much appreciated.

  • Mr Lady


    So many thoughts.

    2. But it makes the poop so COOL.
    3. Mine too. I also need a partner. Perhaos this is our destiny.
    4. No need, I live in Canada, where prostitution is legal and healthcare is free. I can’t decide which one is better.
    5. Try Canadian papers. The crosswords are naughtier.
    6. Maybe if I actually got paid for this gig. I bet one could charge a TON to change diapers.
    7. Snicker.

    Oh, and I think I totally have a crush on you. A blog crush. A blush. *blush*

  • Kimmylyn


    I was at my mother’s today when I read this post.. we were both hysterical!! Great post. I esp love the comment about making your own toys!!

  • Jo Beaufoix


    Hee hee.
    So funny. Especially the health care one. How could any one not be offended at that?

    And the open water swimming? Bacteria, sharks, drowning, nooooooooooooooooo.

    Hope you had a dab Christmas though.

  • Scot E


    As a child I swore I’d never ever watch news. Now it’s about the only thing I catch regularly on TV.

  • chefmom


    That is hysterical! I love #4. And you have to be hip to knit?? Who knew?

  • Trish


    Another should read “start each day with a good laugh!” And you have done that for me – hilarious list, and your comments on same are genuinely funny!
    Thanks for the lift!

  • raymondm


    Ok, so i can definitely see myself trying stuff off of this list.

    Nice post.

  • Ribbon Rock Star


    knit like a hipster huh? hmmm….

    I think I will yawn instead.

    Great post !!

    Linda

  • Mama Zen


    Now, if I could waltz with Tony Romo. . .

  • Virtual Millenium


    “Hi. You seem old, sick and frail and I doubt you’ll be around to blow the candles out on your cake next year. Here’s a little something to help pay those doctor bills. Oh, and happy birthday!”

    lol hilarious!

  • Jessica


    LMAO Great list!!If Tony Romo were my dance partner I would waltz or any other moves he would like for me to make.

  • Taylor Blue


    I think knitting like a hipster means to be dancing hip hop while knitting!! LOL…great post!

  • Rebecka


    Seriously… is the best best that the US World & News could do? This is why I don’t bother reading the news.

  • momto4kidsny


    This is funny stuff!! I am not creative in the least! My poor kids would have nothing to play with if I was to make toys myself. They would be bored stiff!!!!
    I have number 10 done:)

  • Candace


    Ok, so I’m only the 36th person to agree that this was hilarious.
    I’ve got one for you: Your own syndicated column in very newspaper!

  • Donna


    You’ll hate me. I get 7 out of 10:
    1. Totally agree with you.
    2. I’m allergic, already done.
    3. I dance alone between alterations to Motown. Sometimes I waltz. Don’t watch.
    4. I’m skipping this one. I’m too young to think about it.
    5. Did it once. It’s the same news except not biased in the same direction.
    6. I work for myself, will do.
    7. See #6
    8. I never go anywhere. #8 works for me.
    9. I have a machine. It’s easier.
    10. Don’t have the time. Will do later.
    Thanks.

  • kathleenmaher


    Fits my list up until the “knit like a hipster” resolution. Thanks for posting this: I would definitely have missed it otherwise. The great thing about these resolutions, besides their oddball hilarity? They make me so virtuous and even powerfully effective by comparison. Powerfully effective: that must be a first for me!

  • Xers


    My sentiments exactly.

  • Heather B.


    What the hell is “knit like a hipster”?

  • Critch


    Hi,

    A friend said to run over here for a good laugh and to spread the love. Wow, soooo funny! A great post for a dreary day in SC.

    Thanks,
    BugLady58(Critch)

    I’ll be back for sure!

  • roadkill refugee


    Hilarious!

  • Chelle B.


    ( Well now I know why Mikster is bragging about you! šŸ˜‰

    Very funny and so very true. I love the matter-of-fact one, “Get a Raise”.

    šŸ˜® *smacking forehead*

    Why didn’t I think of that last year?!

  • Tristi Pinkston


    I love the way you think!

  • Midori Miller


    I love it! To think all this time…I thought you were a guy…so sorry I never have read your blog. You made me smile….once again! Happy New Year…

  • DanaB


    Have mercy…I stumbled upon your blog today and read alla way back to August somethin’ or other!

    You’ve a fantastic perspective for writing about real life, thanks so much for the laughs!!

    ~~

  • Jen E


    OMGosh!!! Great post!!!! My sentiments, exactly! LOL!

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