I just finished reading the latest copy of U.S. News & World Report. This is simply one indication of my age. Not only do I read it, I subscribe to it. I am old.
The cover story in this latest issue is 50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2008. Here are a few of their suggestions…and what I think of them.
1. Try open water swimming.
Just a few days ago, I read about Vibrio Vulnificus, a bacteria found in salt water which can invade any open sore on your body and lead to amputations and death. Open water swimming? I think not.
2. Cut back on corn.
Had they said this would improve the life of my sewer line, I might have bought it.
3. Waltz your way to better fitness.
And where exactly will I find someone to waltz with? Unless Tony Romo was his dancing partner, my husband would rather stick hot needles in his eyes.
4. Give a healthcare giftcard.
This seems nothing more than a slap in the face. “Hi. You seem old, sick and frail and I doubt you’ll be around to blow the candles out on your cake next year. Here’s a little something to help pay those doctor bills. Oh, and happy birthday!”
5. Read an international newspaper.
I have a hard enough time reading what the American media has to say, do I really need to cross a border for more of the same?
6. Get a raise.
Oh! Okay! Just like that.
7. Avoid recalls. Make your own toys.
Ingesting lead would hurt my children less than the toys I would make.
8. Avoid air travel delays.
Getting that raise would be easier.
9. Knit like a hipster.
What does that even mean? What am I supposed to knit? A peace symbol? A poem? A beatnik afghan?