I Won’t Be Flicking My Bic For An Encore

posted by Momo Fali on April 30, 2008

My husband cringes when I tell gross stories about our dog. But, I feel it is my duty as a dog owner. These beasts don’t stay adorable puppies forever, and people who are thinking about getting one should know the truth. It’s the equivalent of having a baby and thinking it’s all about the snuggling and cooing, when it’s really about spit-up and projectile poop.

Our dog has bad, bad gas. The type of silent flatulence that makes you want to curl up in the fetal position and whimper, “Tell me when it’s over.” She emits fumes which make the leaves on the houseplants shrivel up and die.

They used to smell like chicken. Rotten chicken. But, lately she’s been eating grass…a lot. I fear we’re going to get a contact buzz, because now her farts smell like the seats near the rafters of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. Next thing you know, she’ll be wearing a tie-dyed collar and doggie moccasins.

If you’re thinking of getting a puppy, do yourself a favor and invest in a gas mask…and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

    Comments

  • Laura


    Oh sure, blame it on the dog! Ha!

  • Birdie


    ew.thanks.

  • chefmom


    We have a friend who has a Greyhound, and that dog could clear a room. Forget weapons of mass destruction. Just aim this dog’s ass at the country you’d like to clear and it’s done. I feel for ya! Yeah, and Um, when they say a Puggle is a high energy dog, just know that “high energy”=”INSANELY energetic!”

  • Joeprah


    Dog farts are only rivaled by dog poop in nastiness.

  • Melisa


    True, that!

    I have extensive experience in this area…yet I’m not sure if that’s something to brag about.

  • Misty


    We have had to throw all rubber/plastic chew toys away because our puppy (8 months old) believes that eating them is what they are for… And her gas therefore smells like the most disgusting form of rotten burning rubber or warping plastic.

  • Coral


    LOL! That’s why I have cats!

  • Jenna Consolo


    As if four farting boys and a husband wasn’t enough…this is just one more reason I don’t have a dog!

  • Monica


    I had a dog just like this when I was a kid. I still remember the way he could clear a room.

    Hilarious! Love the Dead Fan image…

  • Jo Beaufoix


    Oh my Bob that is so funny. We always knew when my dog Jazz had done a really bad one as she’d sniff her bum, then get up and leave the room.
    She was a chocolate brown stink bag but I loved her so much.

    And your name has been drawn for Pay it Forward if you’re still up for it.
    I’ll announce it on my blog later. x

  • soapbox mom


    Ha ha! I know what you mean — we all gag when our dog releases some of her toots. Smells I don’t think I’ve ever smelled…

    Given that your family has such a great sense of humor, I recommend “Walter the Farting Dog” to er, sweeten the air, or well, maybe just to give you a different perspective on the topic:
    http://www.amazon.com/Walter-Farting-Dog-William-Kotzwinkle/dp/1583940537/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209578446&sr=8-2

    and I see he now has sequels:
    WtFD Farts Again;
    Rough Weather Ahead for WtFD;
    WtFD: Banned From the Beach;
    WtFD: Trouble at the Yard Sale; and
    WtFD Goes on a Cruise.

    😉

  • Angie


    I was going to recommend some reading material… but Soapbox Mom beat me to it. Seriously, check it out! It’s hilarious, and there’s a series of them too! Walter the Farting Dog… worth the read.

  • Bean


    I’m so glad my husband reads your blog!

  • The Immoral Matriarch


    Brachycephalic breeds have the worst gas. And they are my fave. So I’m surrounded by horrible gas.

  • Jaina


    Oh Momo, this post has me nearly on the floor laughing. Maybe we ought to send you a gas mask?

  • MommyTime


    Try giving her some plain yougurt, which sometimes helps. At least she’s not eating goose poop snacks, which add bad breath to the other end — ahhh… delightful! ;(

  • Tara R.


    At least our Lab is not ‘silent, but deadly.’ She is noisy and will look at you like you were the source. Yeah, all that is not included in the puppy packets.

  • HRH


    Ouch. Outdoor dog? soon?

  • ShannanB


    So gross…. My old dog used to each cat poo out of the litterbox. It was so disgusting…

  • Veronica


    Seriously, HOW do they get such bad gas? Is there something in dogs stomachs that turn things rotten?

  • Mrs. Schmitty


    What DO they put in dog food? Gross!

  • LiteralDan


    Ahh, I’d almost forgotten one of the less-discussed joys of dog ownership (it’s been awhile).

    Somehow, they’re ALWAYS silent. I think that might be the worst part. By the time you know to run for cover, it’s already coating your lungs. Knowing that fact is half the revulsion, I think.

  • meleah rebeccah


    Im so glad I dont have nay pets

  • meleah rebeccah


    ANY PETS… (oops)

  • Dette


    What about pig ears – have you gotten pig ears yet?

    DON’T DO IT.

    Yewch!

  • holly


    i don’t get the flicking my bic thing. i’m so dumb.

    i totally heart dogs. but i totally don’t heart dog farts or dog maintenance. so no dogs for me. i’ll just continue to visit my mom’s dogs. that’ll do.

    and i find i don’t need a puppy when i have a three year old boy. they are very similar only my boy talks. a bit. okay he doesn’t. talk, damnit boy!

    Leave a Comment

    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *