Oprah Cliffs Notes III

posted by Momo Fali on May 6, 2008

Yesterday, Oprah hosted Tom Cruise as they celebrated his 25 years in the film industry. It’s hard to believe, considering he looks like he’s fourteen. In the absence of couch-jumping, they discussed how perfect his life is.


After he surprised a fan in the audience, it was time for the tables to be turned. Tom’s Hollywood buddies surprised him by making video clips to congratulate him on his career.

First, Will and Jada talked about how “real” Tom is. Only, they didn’t call him Tom, they called him T.C., and those are not accurate initials, because Tom’s “real” last name is Mapother. That makes him kind of real…like pleather.


Then, Jada explained how her hair had been chopped of in a bad weed-whacking accident.

Next, the audience saw Renee Zellweger’s greeting. She told us how Tom was born with some kind of “magic”. Black magic.


And in an uncanny twist, Renee declared her hair had also been chopped off by a weed-whacker.

A video clip from David and Victoria Beckham revealed that when David opens his mouth to talk, he’s not as cute as you thought he was. Mr. Rogers called, he wants his cardigan back.


Becks explained that he enjoys being Tom’s friend because they like to play a game called Guess Which Wife is Yours.


After the show, Tom called the audience glib then went back to his perfect life.

    Comments

  • A Buns Life


    WOW! The bad hair, oh, the bad hair! David Beckham included…..he shouldn’t grow facial hair…it’s to splotchy. I watched the first Oprah with them oh his ranch in CO, and decided not to watch this one…apparently I made the wrong call. My bad. 🙁

  • Natalie


    wow…what’s with renee’s face? she looks like she is having an allergic reaction..puffy, red…squinty eyes. someone get her some benedryl quick!

    and usually i like renee!

  • Christine @ Serenity How?


    This was too funny! Thank you for watching Oprah so I don’t have to.

    Great post on the Police, too. I loved those guys. Just because they’re getting older doesn’t mean we are, right? 🙂

  • Monica


    Very funny post. Tom Cruise may not be much of an actor, but his entertainment value is certainly HIGH!

    Glib, indeed.

  • Wisconsin Mommy


    I also wasted an hour of my life watching TC wax philosophical about how “normal” his life is. Yeah Tom, when I have a day off I often go for a quick flight in my jet too.

  • chefmom


    I’ve seen a few pictures of Jada Pinkett Smith’s hair… WHAT is that on her head?? And why would anyone want to look like that?? DId they only use Scientolobots to talk about him, ’cause no one else would?!

  • nola


    What up with all the weed-whacked hair? I have SUCH old hair! Thanks for the heads-up!

  • Ashley


    TC makes my skin crawl. Why? I’m not entirely sure.

  • Cassey


    I’m sad a missed this. Tom is a curious creature to me. Almost like observing zoo animals. It’s so interesting cause it’s so foreign to me.

  • Stella


    Excellent commentary! Good points re:weed whacker incidents!!
    I wonder if Becks can throw his sneakers the way that Mr. Rogers used to…..

  • Jamie E


    no commentary about how Mrs. Beckham’s cleavage is specifically designed to distract from Mr. B’s stupidity?
    LOL
    thanks for the laugh as usual!

  • Heather


    I’m scared of all of them.

  • Xbox4NappyRash


    I would beat “T.C.” to death with a tea spoon, for free.

  • Heather


    I think they were all complimenting Tom so he would give them the secret to eternal youthful good looks, because Gaaad, they all look old except for him.

  • Sogeshirtsguy


    Tom Cruise is still a giant d-bag. Can’t stand the guy. Crying for pity again lol.

  • OHmommy


    Renee’s hair looked HORRIBLE. She has aged.

    And Tom said that he wasn’t going to “preach” because his religion accepts other beliefs; when in fact, his religion is waiting to take over and convert the entire world and call it the “Ice over” or something like that.

    Hmmm… explain to me why I watched the entire 60 minutes. UGH!

  • Mimi aka pz5wjj


    Oh too funny!

    I must go out to the garage to do my own weed whacker hair… gotta be trendy you know!

    And I so agree about Becks! We were living in England when I first heard him talk. Totally lost it laughing. And speaking of “laughing” go look at their wedding pictures (if you can find them), seriously it is a “more money than taste” affair.

  • Jo Beaufoix


    Shivers. Tom Cruise is bleurghhh. I am proud to say I have always thought this. I have NEVER fancied him. I am so proud.

    And oooooh the bad hair. And yes, when David speaks/squeaks the world falls about laughing.

  • Mr Lady


    If I were filthy rich, my hair would be on Billboards.

  • transfattyacid


    As you’ve got the Beckhams over there, can you do us Brits and favour and keep them.

    Since they left the national IQ has shot up.

  • Michael C


    I just can’t believe I missed it…
    That doesn’t look like Mr. R’s sweater, doesn’t it??

  • LiteralDan


    “Guess Which Wife is Yours” is also known as The Second-Most Dangerous Game.

  • amy t sharp


    that rocked. Glib- I need to find a way to use that in normal speech at Starbucks this week. It is my quest. xo

  • Rachel


    your commentary is spot on brilliant. ‘TC’ is more than scary and he’s appears to be making al of his friends crazy, too. (and causing them to have terribly awful haircuts, too)

  • jenny from mommin' it up


    1) Jada’s hair is going to give me nightmares tonite
    2) Zellweger looks like she’s 50
    3) I am sooo glad you posted this because I am pretty sure watching TC on TV for an hour would have turned my brain to goo.

  • Kimmylyn


    I loathe Tom Cruise and secretly hope we all find out he really is an alien. It would explain his new hair. hahah

  • Jeremy (Discovering Dad)


    Wow! That is a lot of bad hair days. Unfortunately, I can relate.

  • The Immoral Matriarch


    Holy shit! That does look like Mr. Roger’s sweater!

    Thank you for the laughs, I needed them today. 🙂

  • Half-Past Kissin' Time


    Very funny! I’m actually glad you wrote this, because I flipped past the show but was curious about it; you’ve offered a perfectly entertaining recap. Thanks!

  • Kiera


    I missed this episode so I’m relieved to have gotten the low down from you Miss Momo!
    I hate it when celebrities get ooohed and ahhhed over by their fellow celebrity friends. C’mon…really, you need yet another reason to congratulate yourselves? Really?

  • NukeDad


    “Which Wife is Yours?”
    I’m still cleaning apple off of the monitor.

  • Selma


    What’s up with Jada and Will? I used to think they were relatively normal. And good old TC, you can’t trust him – he has beady eyes. The best advice my mother ever gave me was: ‘Never trust a man with beady eyes.’ I sent an email to that effect to Katie before she hooked up with TC – via her agent – but I suspect it was immediately sucked into the spam filter. Shame, it might have changed things. 😉

  • Melisa


    We could have been watching this together; I had similar thoughts!

    The one overall impression I gathered from the show (and Oprah’s near-inability to keep the drool off of her chin) was that T.C./T.M. and O are very good friends and she was into maj-ah damage control for his last appearance. She has his back, that’s for sure. I have to admit, I did feel better about him after this show…but enough already!

  • Lisa


    Now I’m sad I missed it..looks very funny!
    Did you see this video–http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe
    ‘TC’ gives me the creeps.

  • Misty


    – I hate oprah…
    – Not fond of Tom, or T.C, (or T.C.M or T. M. or T. M. C…)

    but the idea of an out of control weed whacker terrorizing the defenseless heads of the hollywood elite. I am truly shocked and saddened by this…

    Will there be a telethon?

  • MommyTime


    This is such an excellent recap that I don’t even feel I missed anything in missing the actual show. Especially since I didn’t have to witness that hair first hand!

  • meleah rebeccah


    Thanks for the explination on JADA I was wondering about that..now it all makes sense.

    That was the oddest interview…and yet one of your funniest posts

  • Birdie


    Hilarious post in every way, Momo – HA!
    I never watch Oprah so I consider myself “in the know” now and sufficiently updated on my Tom news and I’m not even being glib.
    Ooor Jada! She looks like she just stepped out of the local Dollar General with a bad wig on – wow. I thought having money meant you had access to a stylist. Renee…I saw her on the cover of Style Magazine and yikes. My bushwhacked hair looks better than hers and I know for sure it cost a lot less. I woulda sued over that one. That’s rough. Again, where’s the stylist?

  • Ok, Where Was I?


    TC is scary, and this post is super good. I love it. Total LOL.

  • AlisonH


    Vicarious Tom Cruise watching: the only way to do it. Thanks for sacrificing yourself and doing that for me. Phew!

  • wheremytruthlives


    Tom sold his soul to Ron Hubbard/ That’s evidently the going rate for a successful Hollywood career, just ask John Travolta and others of their ilk. Apparently there is no claus in the contract to guarantee that such success will have a positive effect on your wife’s sense of style.

  • holly


    stop it. stop it! my husband’s trying to sleep, and you’re making me laugh this place up! oh, wait, that’s kinda my fault, isn’t it.

    has jada got a stain on her shirt? what the heck is that?

    is that thing on becks’ throat supposed to be sexy or something? i didn’t get the memo on ‘the new sexy’. it’s like military meets hippy, no?

  • Eileen


    This was such a great post, it had me laughing out loud. Thank you for that! I missed the show and was wondering how it went, if he jumped up and down again, etc. So I really do appreciate this recap. Too funny. They are all in their own universe, a rich universe, but very odd.
    Have a good week.

  • cyndy


    Tom Cruise scares me. I used to love him, now I fear him.
    That is an awful picture of Will & Jada! I really like them but their friendship with “TC” takes it down a notch.
    Zellweger? Hate her.
    Beckhams? Morons.

  • Whiney Momma


    OMG, I can’t believe I missed it. Tom is such a freak and now I am starting to think some of his friends are too. Jada and Renee…WTF, I doubt they have any idea how to even use a weed wacker, probably never even touched garden scissors or pulled a weed, nevertheless…still those hairstyles are horrid. I will have nightmares.

  • Katy


    Good for me that weed-whacker hair can actually be shown in public. I can take the bag off my head now. 🙂

  • Bean


    This post was HILARIOUS, Mo. The weed whacker, the Beckham opening his mouth thing since I’d just thought that upon seeing him on Ellen (And how flippin’ funny does he look in that photo you have of him?), and my favorite … Guess Which Wife is Yours. Which, has since been heightened in humor upon reading what Nukedad wrote.

    FUNNY!!

  • Caffeine Court


    What a bunch of phonies-and Scientology is such a scary cult! Really freaky.

    I love Jerry O’Connell’s TC spoof on YouTube..check it out-it’s hilarious.

  • Caffeine Court


    P.S. Jada looks like Prince in that picture!

  • Jill


    And then Victoria had the last laugh for convincing everyone to get her weed-whacked haircut — the one that she grew out after looking in the mirror.

  • soapbox mom


    Ha! What a great post. I saw that Oprah and thought pretty much all the same things. What’s up with Jada’s hair!? Couldn’t believe that. Heard almost nothing she said b/c I was so stunned by the hair. She is a gorgeous woman but that hair makes her look like…well, like she’s not. Why?

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