Cool Hand Puke

posted by Momo Fali on June 3, 2008

After seeing my last post and reading that I took my kids hiking, a lovely lady left a comment to tell me that I’m “the coolest Mom ever”. Apparently, I need to set the record straight.

I am not a cool Mom. I don’t even really like kids. I mean, I love my own…and thank goodness I love their friends. For now anyway, they are all well-behaved, kind, and clean.

I think my lack of coolness around little ones started when I began babysitting at the age of thirteen. I took a Red Cross class, I took CPR, and I checked out How-To books on managing children from the local library. I was excited. I was ready!

My first job was to babysit my three year old cousin. It was shortly after Halloween, and before I arrived, this sweet little girl had ingested a mountain of Smarties. As I was helping her brush her teeth before bed she said, “I think I need to get to the toileURGH”, at which point a massive amount of vomit poured out of her and all over the floor. We were two feet away from the sink and just inches from the toilet, but she didn’t make it to either of them.

So I did what any babysitter would do. I called my Mommy.

While I heard my Mom gagging upstairs as she threw puke covered paper towels into a trash can, I watched my cousin’s dog lick regurgitated Smarties off her pajamas. Then I sat on the steps, cried, and I thought about how I would never, ever watch kids again. I would just look at them from a distance.

Just a few months later, my Mom was babysitting my nephew when he threw up at various places throughout our house. What is it with the vomiting?! The next time I was forced into watching him, I ended up walking him in circles around our neighborhood for hours…in the 40 degree chill…just so that if he spewed, I wouldn’t have to clean it up.

For a germophobe like me, runny noses, dirty fingers, boogers, poo…and vomit…are sometimes too much to handle. Throw in some back-talk and bad manners from kids you don’t know well enough to punish, and watch Momo run longingly to the nearest tall person for some adult company.

But, I did take my kids hiking. And, wouldn’t you know that as we were eating our picnic lunch, my six year old son choked on his sandwich and threw up. At least we were outside…no clean-up required.

See? I’m only cool when it’s convenient.

    Comments

  • Ed (zoesdad)


    I’m pretty sure puke was not mentioned in the job description. I think if it were we might not be so concerned about our bulging population problems.

  • A Buns Life


    It’s kind of like me with other people’s dogs. I really only love mine, and they better do all their puking outside as well. 🙂

  • Bee Repartee


    Nothing like a techno-color yawn to get your babysitting baptism.

    I don’t do the booger puke thing either..

  • Kimmylyn


    Puking is the worst.. though I have to say with conviction that I would rather deal with puke of a child than puke of a grown person.. Reason I say this is that I had to deal with my hubbys alcohol induced puke last weekend and that was not fun. AT ALL.

    Did I just share too much? Probably.. 🙂

  • Tenakim


    Coolness quotient does not include puking! I think you’re still a totally cool mom!

  • Laski


    I think the fact that you are NOT trying to go for the “cool mom” award makes you cool . . . seriously. It does . . .

    I’m thinking that boogers, puke, spit up, poo, pee or any of the related mixture of said goo does anything for anyone’s cool factor. Just sayin’.

  • chefmom


    There is nothing worse then cleaning up puke. The first ime my parents left me home to watch my sister, wouldn’t youknow it..she puked all over the landing between upstairs and down. I’ve never forgiven her for it….
    You are still a cool Mom!!

  • MommyTime


    Love the story. The only thing worse than cleaning up puke is having to clean up someone else’s off yourself because you were consoling said child when it happened. And that’s the difference between babysitting and being a mom. 🙂

  • Xbox4NappyRash


    if the puke don’t smell of Tia Maria I’m not sure I wanna know…

    you can’t fool us Momo…we know you’re a bit cool

  • Jamie E


    Yeah, I’ve caught puke in my hands more often than I’d like to admit…the worst is the “almost made its” the smarties incident is the perfect example. Then there is the famous “on-the-toilet-seat” vomit…but anytime it hits the carpet as opposed to non-porous surfaces-it just sucks all around.

  • Kori


    I loved this post because I don’t like other people’s kids much either. Or, you know, at all. I DO like that Middle Son has had the same friends since 4th grade and I know their parents, therefore I CAN discipline tham AND they know how I am; no sweat. As for being cool? Yeah, well, a relative term anyway, right? 🙂

  • Jo Beaufoix


    The puke is always bad isn’t it? I babysat tons and never had to clean up puke. Have you ever thought maybe it was something to do with you. Hee hee. 😉

    (I’m kidding ok. You are cool, and you don’t make small people puke.)

  • Melisa


    There is nobody cooler than the type of person who can turn her coolness off and on like a lightswitch! Bwah ha ha ha! 🙂

    P.S. I don’t like kids much, either. (excluding my own)

  • jennifer


    Seriously, what IS it with the vomiting?? Ugh!

    And I don’t really care for kids either. Not even my own many days.

  • transfattyacid


    nah, you seem a pretty cool mum to me – that commenter was right.

    Can’t say we have reached the projectile vommiting stage yet… though it was rather amusing this afternoon when I was trying to get a burp and piglet decided it was more fun to stick a nose in my ear and dribble down my neck.

  • AlisonH


    Anybody who can make everybody else laugh about it…

  • Undomestic Diva


    I don’t like other peoples’ kids either… they have snot and poop and PUKE whereas my kids? NEVER!

  • musing


    Cool people don’t think they’re cool.

  • Kiki


    I actually pictured you running longingly to a group of adults.

  • Eve Grey


    Oh i love this & i can soo relate. I’m not a kid person either. I am crazy about my own but the other messy, dirty, mean ones? Nuh-uh.

  • Indy


    I agree. I never thought there would be so much puking, peeing, pooping and the discussion of all of this before I had kids. I really had no idea. Only for your own children can you do this.

  • Heather


    My kid is 14 and I can count on ONE HAND how many times she has puked. Let me restate that. Three times. In her life. (not counting baby spitup of course) And one of those times she was at church with her dad. =D Heheh. Am I lucky or what??

  • nola


    Well, I still think you are a cool mom!

  • Michael C


    Conveniently cool is totally acceptable in my book! Perhaps this is because I have never been cool…

  • jenny from mommin' it up!


    oh man.. my son pukes like it’s his job. and it never gets any less gross!! the worst is when it’s in the car…i can hardly even think about it!

  • LiteralDan


    There’s a lot to be said for the employment of tarps and repurposed dog runs in the rearing of children.

  • Laura


    LOL…I remember when my big brother divorced his wife. She move about 2,000 miles away, he had full custody of their 4 year old daughter. She got the flu and puked al over the carpet. He had NO CLUE what to do. So he did what any red blooded American man would do (LOL). He went out to the garage and got the wet/dry shop vac! He snorked it up, rinsed it with water and snrked that up…then rinsed the shop vac out with the hose. While it never smelled quite the same, it was effective!

    Personally, I can deal with ANY kid mess, from blood to hershey squirts…except puke. Can’t do it. Even for my own…even my own puke makes me puke!

  • Lisa


    I still think you’re pretty cool 🙂

    The vomitter in our house is the cat–and she does this, daily (if not hourly)–yuck!

  • Mrs. Schmitty


    Yea, puke is just so unfair to moms and babysitters. I was never warned about the horrors of the puke.

  • Laura


    Oh my gosh! I have a nearly identical story: It was my first babysitting job; the kid ate too much Halloween candy; the kid puked (in BED!); I called my mom; my mom came over and cleaned it up. One difference, I didn’t cry. 🙂

  • chefmom


    Did I read somwhere that it’s your Birthday today???? Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Have a fantastic day!!!!

  • Manager Mom


    Ha! I babysat exactly ONCE in my life. The two little monsters next door; I was 13 as well, they were probably 6 or 7. The evening culminated in one of the kids tricking me to go outside and then locking me out of the house. By mutual agreement, I never babysat them again.

    No joke, I think that kid wound up in jail.

  • meleah rebeccah


    I still say you are the coolest mom around.

    *awesome* title

  • O My Blog!


    I too LOVE clean kids and I am obsessed with it almost. My oldest knows that when she blows to grab a bucket if she can’t make it to he toilet. She always makes the target!! YAY for PUKE!!

  • DysFUNctional Mom


    too funny, I just wrote about not liking kids!

  • Natalie


    i used to love kids. i was an early childhood education major. then i had my own kids. and i love my own kids. but after never having a break from kids the last thing i want to do is spend time with other people’s kids. most of them just end up getting on my nerves. well there are a select few that i love! i’m sure yours would be on that list!

  • Birdie


    what a series of unfortunate events. I loved thta you mentioned CLEAN being a virtue you liked in your kids friends! I absolutely hate it when kids come in here all sweaty adn want to sit on my beloved ultrasuede couhc. That’s a big N-O. My kids don’t even sit on it unless they’ve changed their school clothes.ever. I don’t know how I turned in to this kind of person but seriously I can’t take my couch and throw it in the washing machine. I just told Sissy that her friends couldn’t stay overnight this weekend because they’d want to play outside and come in all dirty & sweaty & sit down on the couch. I am a bad mom aren’t I?

  • imgladyouasked


    I don’t do puke. Puke is NOT in my job description. My husband is responsible for all forms of puke in our house.

  • Ms Picket To You


    the kids i babysat locked themselves in the bathroom and tried to climb out the window on to the roof. i should have taken that as the sign it so clearly was.

  • holly


    oh my god how much am i with you on this?

    i love children.

    but i couldn’t eat a whole one.

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