Death Makes Me Mad

posted by Momo Fali on July 11, 2008

In the last 14 months, we have suffered a lot of loss in our family. Four uncles, an aunt, and a five year old preschool friend of our son. That’s just who has passed recently…two of those deaths were in the last couple of months.

If we extend that period a few years back, I could include two more aunts, an uncle, a grandmother, my infant niece who I held in my arms just before she died, and a three year old boy who was run over in our preschool’s parking lot.

Yesterday, my Mom’s partner…her constant companion for the last 11 years, was put on life-support. We’re not sure, but most likely he suffered a massive heart attack and it is only a matter of time before he will be gone as well. This losing people? Well, it’s getting old.

I know that death is a part of life. I know that. But frankly, I’m getting sick of it.

I remember when my cousin, Kevin, died in 1991. I got to the hospital a few minutes too late to say goodbye. I will never forget stepping off the elevator and seeing my aunt mouth the words, “He’s gone”. As if not saying it out loud would make it hurt less.

His sister was with me, and I held her as she crumpled to a heap on the floor. I said goodbye to Kevin in a cold ICU, after he had already died.

Later that day, I went to the store to pick up some things for my Grandma and I remember looking at the person in front of me in the check-out line. I can’t recall ever feeling so much rage. I wanted to scream at this complete stranger, “How can you be running this mundane errand? I can’t believe you are buying this food! Don’t you know that Kevin is dead?” I felt like I might explode.

I was so angry that she was going on with her day. Yet there I was buying groceries, just like she was. I was infuriated by people driving their cars to wherever they were headed, but I was driving my car too. Because life does go on.

As much as I felt the world should stop, it wouldn’t…and it never will.

So, while my Mom sits at the hospital today, staring at monitors and watching a machine breathe for this man, people everywhere will be going about their day. Let’s just hope I don’t run into any of them when I’m out buying milk, because this chick is getting real tired of grieving.

    Comments

  • imgladyouasked


    There really are no words. Just know that you are being thought of today and hugged from far away.

  • BusyDad


    Hearing about anyone losing a child just rips my heart out. Even if it’s just one sentence with no picture and I didn’t even know the parents or the kid. That alone makes me mad. Because no matter how you want to justify it as God or fate or simply the cosmic order of things, it just doesn’t cut it for me. It must hurt alot for you to have to go through this so much as of late. I’d be angry too. Be angry. I cannot offer an alternative. Just a “hey I’m here if you want to rant.”

  • nukedad


    I can’t imagine dealing with that much loss in such a short time. Your strength is obvious, though, by your ability to get angry about it rather than become overwhelmed with sorrow and depression. This is one of the few instances when anger can be a healthy emotion.

  • Kori


    I remember when my best friend died three years ago, it felt very wrong to see people-especially people with kids, as she left behind four small children-just LIVING. And like you, of course I knew that their lives were untouched by our personal tragedy, but it still pissed me off that they didn’t stop for just one second. I went back and read the post about the 5 year old and just cried-sometimes (often) life is just SO unfair. My thoughts are with you, and everyone who has suffered such staggering losses.

  • A Buns Life


    I’m so sorry….I will be thinking about you and your mom and the rest of your family as I go about my day today….it’s hard and it doesn’t seem fair, I know. hugs to you all.

  • Jodi


    My family went through a string of deaths a few years back. It’s all too familiar and painful. I’m sorry for all of the loss you’ve had to endure.

    You and your family are in my thoughts.

  • MamaMo


    Your mom and family will be in my prayers.
    and I will be running errands NEXT week!

  • Ed (zoesdad)


    I used to run when I got angry. Sometimes it helped.

    I say get angry–let it out–sometimes that helps, too.

    I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  • wheremytruthlives


    Kudos for posting about your anger. Everyone wants to talk about memories and comforting things but when you are coming to terms with death, anger is one of the most prominent emotions and it often gets swept under the table.

    You have clearly been dealt an unfair amount of grief and death lately. I admire your strength. There is a balance in the universe that always restores itself. You will see a turn for the better soon. {hugs}

  • Jaina


    ::hugs:: I’m praying.

  • piper of love


    I’m so sorry.

  • Xbox4NappyRash


    A horrible period of events.

    Best wishes to your mum & her partner.

  • AlisonH


    Oh honey. I’m so sorry. There was a season where we lost (just) three, and I found myself wanting to scream, NO MORE DYING. Just STOP for awhile and give me a break!

    If it helps any, I too felt incredulous that others were grocery shopping when our grandparents had died.

  • Misty


    this is terribly, terribly sad. I am so sorry to hear this… Frankly, death pisses me off too.

  • Bean


    I felt chills reading this, even though I already know what’s going on. And I remember you telling me the grocery store/Kevin story seven years ago when I was going through the same feelings. Sigh.

  • Kimmylyn


    Momo.. I am so sorry. And I am tryng to find the “right” things to say.. but I come up short.. so I will offer you our thoughts and prayers for you and your family. xo

  • Tenakim


    Sorry for all of your losses- seems like you’ve had way more than your share! I wrote about something similar yesterday re: my husband- I agree- life goes on- it’s hard, but it has to!

  • Ms Picket To You


    this sounds so eerily familiar. and i think that’s what oddly makes it so comforting for me. and i hope its comforting for you to know that your feelings are not felt by you alone.

    i hope that makes sense.

  • amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay


    I am so so sorry for all this around you…I am saying a prayer right now. You know i am.

  • Manager Mom


    I’m so sorry about your mother’s partner…and the notion of anyone losing their child is just breathtaking.

  • Stacy


    I would be yelling, too. I am sorry about your mom’s partner, and all the losses you and your family have endured lately.

    My prayers to you all!

  • Tara R.


    I’m so sorry to hear about your mom’s companion. Prayers for you and your family.

  • The Mom


    Love and prayers for you and your mom. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  • secret agent mama


    I’m so sorry, Mo. πŸ™ Please know that you are in my thoughts.

  • THE MOM BOMB


    You’ve had more of your fair share of loss lately. Here’s hoping things turn around soon.

  • Bee


    :o(
    It’s very hard to see the ones we love suffer.

    I wish you and your family strength to endure this pain.

  • Lisa@verybusymomwith4


    We’ll be thinking and praying for you–lots of hugs!

  • Maureen


    Oh I am so sorry…

    Our neighbor of over 20 years was taken away by ambulance the other day. He has aged 50 years over the winter it seems and it doesn’t look good. Since that day, things on the street haven’t looked, haven’t felt the same.

    I am just waiting for the terrible news….

    So yes, it is a part of life, but it doesn’t mean we can’t kick and scream.

  • Shauna Loves Chocolate


    Lots of positive thoughts for your mom and the rest of you guys, too.

  • Dette


    πŸ™ Hugs, girl. BIG hugs.

  • Sadia


    I am so very very sorry. There’s nothing else to say.

  • Heather


    Your poor mom. =( I’m sorry, too.

  • Mandy


    Ow. Sorry. So sorry. Prayers and well wishes for you and your family coming your way – stat.
    Take some deep breaths.

  • Sogeshirtsguy


    sorry to hear that. My condolensces to you and yours.

  • Jenna Consolo


    Wow, Momo. You’ve definitely endured more than your fair share. I’m so, so sorry. Prayers for your mom during this time, and for you.

  • Melisa


    Hugs to you. xoxo

  • Stella


    I’m so sorry.

    Thinking of you and your mom and your family.

    I’m so very sorry.

  • Jamie E


    It never seems right that the world doesn’t stop when someone dies.
    Your world stops and stalls. Everyone else just mills about aimlessly not knowing that someone very important has left the Earth. I will stop today for you and think about your mom’s partner, I am very sorry.

  • Katy


    I felt exactly that when my baby died at 4 months old. How is it possible that the sun came out today, and people are acting like nothing happened?

    Oh, but by the grace of God, I was able to rejoin that world, and live the life given to me to live. Yet we never forget.

  • Rima


    I’m sorry. I’ll never understand why it seems that some people just get more than their share of grief . . .

  • LaskiGal


    I am so, so sorry. That is a lot of loss. It just doesn’t make sense. I get it . . . life, death and all that, but so much?

    And that feeling, being angry that the world goes on . . . I’ve been there. It is a feeling that can’t be described. That hurt. The pain. The anger.

    I’ll pray for your mother and her companion . . . and you, I’ll be thinking of you.

  • DysFUNctional Mom


    I am so sorry for all of those losses. It just doesn’t seem fair.

  • vincent


    I wish I could say something wonderful and wise, but I can only say that I am thinking of your mother… and you also… I know about being sick of death. My father died a month more/less before I was to marry, many years ago, and I STILL have a terrible time dealing with this. I was pregnant and supposed to stay all night with him the night before the morning he died. I had just taken a CPR class, and I think STILL, “If I would have been there, could I have done SOMETHING?.”. Absolutely crazy. I also wake up in sweats thinking about when my time comes, and I am 42 years old… I don’t deal well with it at all… So, you are not alone. AND it is okay to be angry… πŸ™‚

  • Immoral Matriarch


    I’m so, so very sorry. πŸ™

  • Shari


    I wish I had the right words. I am so, so sorry you have had to experience so much grief! Know I am thinking of you and in my prayers!

  • chefmom


    I am so sorry to hear about all of the deaths. Especially the children. That is traumatic enough. Everything will sound so cliche now, so I’ll just say that you’ve got a world of supporters here. A place to vent, and read the support that you need and deserve. I hope your Mom’s partner is doing ok.

  • meleah rebeccah


    I don’t even know what to say. This breaks my heart. You have suffered an enormous amount of loss in a very short period of time. I dont think I would be able to maintain the sense of humor you have.

    I hope that your mothers partner pulls through.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

  • Ashley


    Me too, yo. Me too. I have no words, except I love ya and you know where to find me if you wanna team up to kick death’s ass.

    (You’re in my prayers…your momma too)

  • Mama Dawg


    I’m so there with you. My daughter has suffered with either directly related deaths (great aunt, close family friend, hamster, fish…not that those are the same as humans, but for an 8 year old, they might as well be) or indirectly (kid at her school) all in less than a year.

    Heartbreaking…just heartbreaking.

    Hugs to you.

  • nola


    So sorry to hear about your current family suffering and the loss you have endured recently.

  • O My Blog!


    I know what you mean about the yelling at people. I felt like doing that for months after my last miscarriage. Almost like they should be feeling your pain and shock.

    It’s a part of the healing process and it stinks.

    So sorry you are going through so much.

  • Half-Past Kissin' Time


    I had the same feelings when we lost my father-in-law suddenly (heart attack). I had to resist the urge to run up to every man with that bodytype (pregnant belly-types) and beg them to do something before they, too, died suddenly, leaving their families in grief. When you hold a newborn baby in your arms after losses like these, it’s hard to stay in grief; it’s like having one foot in the past and one in the future. The circle of life does go on…

  • Ok, Where Was I?


    So sorry you’re going through so much. I was also so infuriated that everything seemed to go on without being affected at all by the death of a child I didn’t even know. A work colleague lost her small child and I was pissed at everyone I saw who went on as normal. Then I just decided to get pregnant instead.

  • musing


    I’m so sorry.

  • Jo Beaufoix


    I’m so sorry. Hope you’re doing ok. Sometimes it’s just not bloody fair is it. Hug.

  • Neil


    I’m sorry for all the sadness that happened for you over the last few month. This is my first time at this blog. This was a very emotionally-touching post.

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