Into the Light

posted by Momo Fali on March 23, 2010

My eyes are burning. My cheeks stained with tears of exhaustion. I can’t remember the last time I got a good night’s sleep. I have to wait for our new insurance to kick in before I can talk to my doctor about my insomnia. Again.

My legs are cramped from standing on a hard floor for the past five hours, my hands are dry and cracked. My heart, heavy. I worry about my kids, my husband, our health, our finances, my parents.

Looking around the house makes me anxious. There are dishes, laundry, dog hair. Piles of papers, kids’ projects, things needing my signature or my response, volunteer work, writing assignments, insurance nightmares. I feel buried.

I need to work on math with my son. I need to take my daughter to practice. I need to find babysitters for upcoming events. I need to buy birthday presents, a sweater for my daughter’s choir performance and I need to send in her camp forms. I have to find a new therapist for my son. I need to change the sheets.

I want to set up piano lessons and swim lessons. I want to take the kids out to play catch. I have to call the pediatrician’s office. Maybe I can get to that after I start making dinner.

I need a minute. I collapse on the couch and let out a sigh. My head flops back against the olive-green chenille. I close my eyes and rub my forehead. I have had a headache for three days.

I rest my hand on my thigh and feel my young son’s fingers grab mine. He reaches up and brushes my hair from my cheeks. He tells me I am “so, so, so, so pretty”.

I muster half a smile and say, “I love you, buddy.”

He says, “I love you too.”

Then he hugs me.

And just like that, the dread is gone.

    Comments

  • UP


    Ok, I'm tearing UP!
    I loved the way my children could make the world seem sane again. Great post!

    Very touching…we don't always have to be funny…that way, when we are…it's appreciated more.

    UP

  • OHmommy


    Bless his little heart – kids know when we need organic pick-me-ups.

  • Sadia


    Oh, Momo, you're a powerful writer. Hang in there. You're loved.

  • Tom


    I don't have any witty observations to add… but just to let you know that we will be praying for you.

  • Melisa with one S


    Awww, he's right. You are so, so, so, so pretty.

    Hang in there, and don't forget I'm only a phone call away. xoxo

  • Jana


    what a sweet boy, you sound like me, it all happens at once doesnt it. I am here sweet friend, I am praying and being generally in awe of what you have to say…hugs lovely lady.

  • Jen


    Take care of You, beautiful lady.

    You are very much worth it.

  • Hockeymandad


    Ahhh, I just LOVE the healing powers our little ones possess without realizing it.

  • surprised mom


    You're beautiful and so is your son. Our children bring us hope when no one else can. I hope you get some rest soon and everything works out well for you.

  • Irish Gumbo


    Jay-zus…can I get a bottle of that?

    Cherry on the sundae…wow.

  • Andrea


    OH it makes it all go away! I fell recently in front of my 14 month old and he leaned over and gave me a kiss. It's the little things that mean so much. Hang in there mama! You'll get it done.

  • Aunt Juicebox


    It's so funny – if we didn't have the kids we wouldn't have the troubles, but they somehow find a way to make it worthwhile. Who cares about the housework? As long as you aren't wallowing in actual filth, don't worry about dog hair and dust. 😉

  • meleah rebeccah


    Oh Momo. You have me all teary eyed!

  • James (SeattleDad)


    Life can certainly get to you sometimes, in major ways. I posted recently about the stresses I am dealing with now and similarly my son helps me deal with it.

    Hang in there.

  • AlisonH


    Hug him for me too, would you?

  • WeaselMomma


    Sounds like that kid is just what the doctor ordered.

  • the*4*of*us


    this is me, sending you a great big cyber hug…((((HUG))))
    I know a little bit of what you are feeling, but not nearly on the level you are at. I am saying a prayer that you find rest soon. Or that it finds you!
    You have such a sweet little guy!

  • Monica


    Let's hear it for little boys! 🙂

  • Jodi


    This was such a sweet post. Isn't it something how our little ones can make the world seem beautiful at our most stressful times?

  • Stella


    It's amazing to me how their little words can erase it all and make it all so much better.

  • Mamapajama


    Seriously, this post could have been written by me, there are just some many similarities, including the insomnia, caused by the stress of life and the fact that I cannot stop thinking and worrying about everything. There are some mental tricks you can use to block out all the shit so you can actually sleep. I usually can manage to get 4-5 hours because I mentally yell at myself to STOP thinking and just imagine myself in surrounded by a white light and nothingness. I repeat it in my mind over and over again until I eventually drop off to sleep. Kind of like counting sheep, but not. It's cheaper than seeing a doctor for sleep aids, anyway!
    Know you are not alone my dear.

  • Tara R.


    Amazing how theraputic hearing those three words from your child can be.

    I can totally understand how overwhelming it can get sometimes. {{Hugs}} You are so pretty inside too.

  • Heather


    I hope you guys get a chance to all settle down soon, but at least you have those two awesome kiddos to help you smile through the yuck.

  • Tired Mom Tésa


    So glad he made you feel better. It's amazing how kids can help you put everything in perspective or at least distract you for awhile.

    I hope things turn around for you soon.

  • Amy


    Love this post.

  • Geeks in Rome


    the wisdom of babes! He knows it's more important to have a beautiful loving mommy than clean sheets and a clean kitchen.

    you'll get through it alive, barely. One thing at a time and ONLY the essential (which includes playing catch).

  • mrsmouthy


    I know the perfect book for you (as if you have time to read!). It's called "I was a really good mom before I had kids" and it will not only make you feel like an awesome mom, but it will also help you decide what parts of parenting you can simplify/let go of. Plus, it's friggin' hilarious!

    Seriously, check out the book. I want to send it to every mother I know.

  • Piper of Love


    If I close my eyes while reading this (please ignore the impossiblity of that and go with me), I can hear you telling me this. Your voice is real and lovely, and I'm inspired by your beautiful truths yet again.

    That kid of yours is one of the angels God sends to live among us, to be an ever-present reminder that we are not alone, and that there is grace in these crazy lives of ours.

    Sending you wings, fly on Momo. Fly high! ~xo

  • the mama bird diaries


    I can so identify with this post. So beautiful.

    Leave a Comment

    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *