1. When spring rolls around with her warm breezes and gentle rain, and the air outside is rich with the scent of lilacs, my old house starts to smell like wet dog and rotten wood.
2. When school softball, summer softball, track, baseball, going away parties, graduation parties and weddings all start to overlap, I begin to think I should increase my dosage of Zoloft.
3. Throw in a spring musical and it’s time to get my Ambien refilled too.
4. But, taking Ambien makes me get on Twitter and say things like this: ‘There is missional impossible musci blarking behind my head and it makes me want to put on black leggies and snaek around nmy houser’.
5. And, this: ‘Now t here ‘s a baby crying and it’s making my ovaries hurt. If I start lactating, that will just be weired’.
6. Then people named AmbienRehab start following me on Twitter.
7. My family likes to spend time playing the Wii together, but Super Mario Bros. was invented by someone with a sick and twisted view of family togetherness.
8. My son jumps around on his Hippity-Hop so much that he looks like he has a permanent, blue hemorrhoid.
9. If you go to a wine tasting and the Sommelier starts talking about “shoulders” in your wine, you may think you drank too much.
10. And, if your husband hasn’t had dinner and attends the same wine tasting, he may eat half a cheeseball made of Jarlsberg cheese.
11. So when next year’s invitation doesn’t arrive, we shouldn’t be all that surprised.