I don’t really know where to start this post and I, most certainly, do not know where it will end. I guess that I should begin by saying that, in the last week, I let myself get so overwrought that I actually contemplated giving up something I really love. No, not chocolate. No, not beer.
I thought about giving up this blog.
I used to believe that if you’re going to do something…anything…you had better do it right, but I don’t really have time for that mantra anymore. Now, if I’m going to do something it’s half-assed or nothing at all.
My kids? Well, they get the best of what I can offer. My 25-hour a week job gets second best. then there’s my husband, laundry, cleaning, cooking, errands, volunteering…oh, and this blog. Sometimes I try to sleep, but I don’t even do that well.
I won’t mention that I am overweight and in the worst shape of my life. Wait. I guess I did mention it.
Trust me, out of all of the things for which I am responsible, I would love to give up laundry and cooking most of all. I even like to cook, but the time it takes out of my day is ridiculous. Of course, that’s if it’s going to be done right…which it usually isn’t.
On top of everything, I am looking for additional part-time work in the afternoons. Writing, editing, testing, whatever. I. Need. Cash. So, you know…call me. Who doesn’t want a haggard, stressed-out insomniac on their payroll? Oh, all of you then.
I am tired of living in a whirlwind. I am tired of doing so much, but doing nothing well. I’m tired of being sub-standard and not living up to my potential. I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of hating myself. I’m tired of feeling weak.
I want to write. I want to read books. I want to go to Yoga class. I want to put my pictures into albums. I want to make a life list. I want to spend time with family and friends. I want to run. I want to do better.
I know that some people handle and accomplish far more than I do. Good for them. I can’t do it. I should get credit for my admission.
Unfortunately, I can barely find time to brush my hair, let alone do anything I want to do. And, unfortunately, there is nothing elective to give up other than this blog.
But, before I do…I am open to suggestions. If you can help me save this place…this thing I love…that is so dear to me, I will be forever indebted. Just don’t count on me having time to pay you back.
To all of you who called, texted, e-mailed and commented…thank you. Your support proved to me that I’ll never be able to stop.