Worried About the Wrong Thing

posted by Momo Fali on January 5, 2011

I am not a small woman.

I know this.  I own this.  I have never been petite.  I will never be petite.

It isn’t easy to be big.  It, especially, isn’t easy to be big when you need to put on a bathing suit and actually allow people to see your thunderous thighs.

I mean, really.  It’s one thing that everyone can see my gigantic, looks-like-I-play-in-the-NBA, hands, but allowing it to all hang out is something else entirely.

Last week, my family and I rented a vacation house for a night to celebrate my daughter’s 12th birthday and the birthday of one of our friends.  While looking for the rental unit, one of the requirements was that the house have a hot tub.  Unfortunately we found one.

So, there I was.  Not only was it snowy and freezing outside, but the 104 degree hot tub overlooked beautiful scenery and I had been suffering from a stiff neck for days.  It seemed…appealing.  While the adults were all scattered among different parts of the house, I decided to bite the bullet, put on my bathing suit and climb into the hot tub with my daughter and our friends’ two kids.

If anyone won’t pass judgment on you it’s two 12 year old girls, because they are so concerned about themselves they don’t even see your thighs.  Plus, there was a nine year old to distract them…or irritate them…same difference.

I walked outside, removed the towel from my waist, climbed the steps and, under the gaze of three children, I dipped myself into the hot tub.

There.  That wasn’t so bad, now was it?  Sure, I’m big…but, it’s not like the water went pouring over the edge.  I leaned my head back and let the jets pound against my stiff neck.  I can’t believe I was so worried about what everyone thinks of me.

Which is when my daughter looked across the water and said, “Um…Mom?  I think you need a tissue.”


  • Melisa with one S

    I'm sure you looked super-hot while getting rid of those boogers.

  • wenderly

    Hilarious. Next time I'm in my bathing suit, I'll be sure to check my nose…and chuckle.

  • Jamie

    Winter and bathing suits are cruel combo. On vacation recently my daughter commented on how bad my legs looks — white. They really didn't look so great. But when I pointed out hers were in the same shape, she thought hers looked far superior. Lesson to me. No matter what we look like reality is our perception. I have stiff neck right now. The hot tub sounds wonderful.

  • Tara R.

    All it takes is a pre-teen to bring you back to reality. Gotta love their honesty.

  • WeaselMomma

    Classic! Next time attach some toilet paper to the bottom of your foot to distract from the boogers.

  • WebSavvyMom

    –>That's why we get into our hot tub at night. Otherwise, my super white body would blind any neighbors who are outside.

  • Ramblin' Red

    loved this….made me think of how the adolescent stage of the 'imaginary audience' doesn't ever fully fade in the feminine mind….

  • Glass of Whine

    aaahhh!!! lmao. Now, which is worse – a booger or a bathing suit?

  • UP

    I'm sure the thighs are only that huge to you, and Erma Bombeck always said that children were a punishment for an early marriage…she was right!


  • Jessica

    So unexpected!! I laughed and laughed… While trying not to wake the hubby!

  • Heather

    hahah well at least she didn't tell you you needed a new body? in fact, i'm sure your daughter was MUCH nicer than your son would have been 😉

  • Oscar


    That'd make me flow over the side!!!!


    Glad you got to relax.

  • Jaina

    Oh goodness. On the upside, at least it was just the girls and not the other adults?

  • meleah rebeccah

    Ahahahah! Only you Momo! Only you!

  • Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah


  • NYCPatty

    Damn booger! Bravo for braving the hot tub! 🙂

  • MommyTime

    I'm sorry to be laughing, but I can't help it. At least there's some small comfort to be gained from the fact that the tables have turned and you're no longer the one wearily repeating "go get yourself a tissue" to the kids. Happy New Year!

  • Ang

    But after the boogers were cleared…did your neck feel better?? 😉

    Gotta love kids…

  • Lisa

    omg hysterical!!! i should have had girls. boys are brutally honest at EVERY age. well at least from the time they can talk until 8, that I know from personal experience. but if hubby is any indication, it wouldn't be changing anytime soon.

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