1. If a friend wins a memory foam mattress on an adjustable base (think Craftmatic commercials without the elderly people) and GIVES it to you, you may think it’s so incredible that you insist that your friends and family sit on it when they come to visit.
2. Then you may take delight in putting the head AND the feet up to their highest point and watch your friends get smashed in the middle.
3. When you weigh more than you have since your last pregnancy and you just sprained your foot, then your husband says, “We’re starting 1/2 marathon training on Monday”, there may be an audible GULP as that news sinks in.
4. But, not as big as the gulp that was heard when you stood on the scale.
5. No matter how often you bathe your stinky dog, you can’t completely eliminate the stank.
6. And, no matter how often your nine year old son takes a shower, he will still have dirty feet.
7. There should be a 12 step program for House Hunters addicts. Mostly, so that people like me can stop yelling at the home buyers when they pick out the worst house. Never mind that cracked foundation! There’s a linen closet! Sold!
8. Don’t even get me started on House Hunters International, where your pantry has to share space with your stand-up shower and the stacked washer/dryer, and your youngest child…and her guinea pig. We can see the beach! Sold!
9. Sometimes clocks don’t display the correct time. This will make you late. You’re welcome.
10. Your husband may think he’s doing a good job of using clean language in front of your kids, but when your nine year old tells his therapist that he “can tie his shoes, but they look pretty jacked up”, it may be time to reconsider the words you are using as substitutes.