Black Steam and New Shoes

posted by Momo Fali on August 27, 2013

I have been thinking about this post for weeks – months, actually. Words twirl about in my head, one after another; mulling, and brewing, and boiling until my body becomes an animated version of itself and steam shoots from my ears. I hear a whistle as if my brain is a factory, closing for the day, and my body is dirty, tired and gritty from all the work it had to do to keep the factory open, working, resourceful.

And, the words – the hot, steamy, messy words – can’t be written down because they have become condensation on the walls. They slide and drip to the floor until they’re in a jumbled pile at my feet. I see them there, a mess of black letters spelling anger, sadness, fraud, sorrow, trust, love, faith, conviction. I move forward and they stick to my shoe.

I try to wash them away, but they won’t take leave. They are glued in this spot beneath me, always at my feet with every step I take. I need new shoes, I think.

The new shoes are shiny and clean; there’s no blackness on the soles. They give me blisters, but my toes will adapt. I wiggle them. I go for a run. I try lots of new things in my shoes and they become comfortable and I forget that I ever had anything but these which fit me so well.

Until one day when I’m standing at the stove and feel the words in my head again. Child, wrong, sad, hurt, boy, belief, family, ignorance, CHILD, CHILD, CHILD. It happens all over again and I think, I will never be able to write a post with all this muck.

So, I don’t.

I let the steam leave my head, wipe down the walls and buy new shoes, hoping that someday their comfort will be enough.

    Comments

  • Melisa


    I love you. I know how much you’ve just wanted to spew like a volcano. You know I’m just a phone call away. XOXO

  • Susan


    oh, that feeling, when you mull it over for so long that the writing of it becomes overwhelming. And then the not writing adds to the roiling.I like these tiny corners of stories. Or maybe try it in list format?

  • Michelle Massaro Dupler


    I can SO relate, but sometimes, after purchasing my new shoes, I realize that wasn’t what I really needed …

  • Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting


    Ah, I so know this feeling well, and can totally relate. Hugs, sweetie.

  • Christina


    I can relate to this so, so much. Big hugs to you – give me a call if you want to get together for lunch one day and let all the words fall out.

  • meleah rebeccah


    Oh, sweetie. *HUGS*

  • vicki


    Sigh. I’m angry, sad and upset just reading this post. I say let it rip sister. Sometimes the only way to stop the perpetuation of BS is to call people on their BS. Child advocacy is hard. You’ll find a way to tell your story, in your own way, when you’re ready and you will be heard. HUGS!!!

  • Toni


    XO

  • Laura in Little Rock


    **blink** *blink, blink, blink*.

    You write posts about: dog penises, Tom, being a mom and I’m pretty sure I saw your son singing on here one day & was charmed. At some point, the words will be right; or the need will pass. My inner-Presbyterian comes out at times. What was meant to be, will be.

  • AlisonH


    Oh honey. I’m so sorry.

  • Sarah


    Exactly how i feel when i wake up gasping because the hamster wheel in my mind wont stop turning: And the words – the steamy messy words – can’t be written down because they have become condensation on the walls.

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