I’ve Got 99 Problems, but this Blog Ain’t One

posted by Momo Fali on February 25, 2014

I didn’t think I’d ever write again.

I’m not trying to be dramatic; if so, I would admit this with a slumped neck and the back of my hand held to my forehead. If you’re not dramatic like a southern belle, well you’re just not dramatic at all.

No, there’s no drama in the statement that I didn’t think I’d ever write again. It was just a matter of fact; a brick wall into which I ran. Actually, I just kind of walked into it and there I gazed into the mortar every day, trying to move my feet forward while facing that brick wall. I took steps, but I didn’t go anywhere.

brick wall

What bothered me, was that this didn’t bother me. I was okay with being in this place, because I didn’t really have any other choice. There was this ho-hum acceptance of where I was over the last couple of months. Ho-hum, brick wall, la dee dah.

So what were the things that kept me from writing? If I had to guess I’d say first and foremost, winter. If I could weave you any tale with grandeur, it would be my disdain for winter. It would sound very Shakespearean and involve a lot of “doths,” like, “Back off winter, I am doth DONE with you.”

Because of my husband’s schedule, I spent a lot of January in a bad place; a lonely, dark, FREEZING COLD place. Hi, honey! Love you! It was so bad that I actually looked at homes for sale in L.A. Mmm hmm, Los Angeles, people. I needed real people to talk to and I didn’t care if they were complete strangers and mostly said, “Dude.”

But, February meant my husband was home more often and it means that March is coming soon and thank goodness it’s a short month! *said with slumped neck and back of hand to forehead*

There was also the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. No, I didn’t know him. I didn’t even know his name was spelled with one ‘l’ until he died, but when he passed it felt like someone came up behind me at the brick wall, picked me up and threw me into it.

I know people who have died from heroin overdoses. I know people who are in jail because of heroin. It’s personal. And, here was this guy with nearly-limitless resources, talent, assistants, managers, and no doubt housekeepers and a nanny, who could not keep this demon at bay. That scares me.

What about the people who are struggling to just keep their jobs and houses out of foreclosure, and take care of the kids, who might have the urge to take away some of the stress and pain? How do we stop them from using heroin to take them to a place that makes them feel better? How do we stop them from trying it the first time? How do we make sure our kids don’t try something the FIRST TIME? I still don’t know the answer to that. Damn it.

And there was Dylan Farrow (I will not type his name here), the terror threats in Sochi, and so much unbelievable news that I just couldn’t be that One. More. Voice. on the Internet.

But then something snapped, and by snapped I mean it was like a twig soaked in water, then bent back and forth until the bark came off. Then I twisted the wet, woody fibers underneath and gnawed on them a little. It was like that kind of snap. All of a sudden, or not suddenly at all, I wanted to write again.

And, I can’t really tell you why. Maybe it was my med changes, spring on the horizon, tougher workouts, completion of some work projects, more time with friends…I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. All I know is that I turned my back on that brick wall and I was writing.

I don’t know which direction I’m heading, but damn it feels really good to be moving again.

    Comments

  • Melisa


    Welcome back!

    I’m surprise your blog let you in.

    Oh, wait.

    • Momo Fali


      Thank goodness I have a reliable Admin.

  • Melisa


    surpriseD.
    Dang it.
    That’s what I get for being snarky.

  • Liz


    Brick walls are stupid, let’s write all over them.

    • Momo Fali


      Oh! Good idea!

  • Sadia


    Hi! Nice to see you around here.

    Do I correctly remember you having a sun lamp? No help there? I can’t remember how I got through winters before mine.

    • Momo Fali


      I do. And, I used it. I think my problem was a lack of social contact and not sunlight. Or, maybe both.

  • Adrienne


    Hey, I know that brick wall!

    • Momo Fali


      *passes wrecking ball*

      • Arnebya


        *sidesteps wrecking ball assuming it’s covered in Miley secretions*

        I AM A GEM.

  • Shannon


    I feel ya. These days, I’m blaming everything on winter.
    Glad to see you back. Down with the brick wall. And winter.

  • Colleen


    I’m so glad you’re back! And you’ve said so wonderfully how I’ve felt at times – both about writing online *and* recent events. <3

  • Rebecca {foodie with family}


    A) I’m so glad you’re bahck. (Said like Ahnold.)
    B) Thank you for not typing his name.
    C) I also have people I love actively dealing with heroin addiction. By active, I mean they’ve been clean for years, but that worry is always nagging away at the back of my mind because I learned how evil that drug is and how it chemically alters your brain so that every minute of every day for the rest of your life, clean feels abnormal and drugged feels normal. So yeah. The loss of Philip Seymour Hoffman got me, too.

    • Momo Fali


      And, you know what? It’s time we stopped tiptoeing around the disease of addiction. This is for real and it can come blazing into the lives of any one of us, at any time.

  • Zak


    I am in the EXACT same boat. WE ARE ON A BOAT.

    xx.

    • Momo Fali


      I hope there is a calypso band. And, rum.

  • Mr Lady


    Never leave me.

    Or, this. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GX0pZIBkld4/UkDtyyGk4sI/AAAAAAAABRw/uorAyTAAI3I/s1600/shadys+back.gif

  • Amie


    You were probably just inspired by that Zepplin cover band.

    • Momo Fali


      I will forgive you for spelling Zeppelin incorrectly.

      • Amie


        Thank you. You are most gracious.

  • Anne @MidlifeBlvd


    Every February I price Florida real estate and military schools that take tween girls.

    Glad you are kicking the slump!

  • Arnebya


    I’m glad you are moving. I’m glad you are here. And I’m kind of singing the Welcome Back Kotter theme song in mah head. YOU ARE WELCOME.

  • As Cape Cod Turns


    Yay for turning your back on that wall MOMO!!!!! So awesome! I am definitely pedaling toward March with thoughts of spring, birds chirping and more sunshine!!! xoxo

  • Mare


    I can so relate. Sometimes, the muse just disappears. Writing is work, and sometimes we’re just tired of it. BUT, glad you’re over that hump. I think true writers at heart always end up back the keyboard. :-)

  • Meleah Rebeccah


    Welcome back, my love!! You’ve been missed!

  • Aussa Lorens


    I feel like this winter is draining most everyone of their will to live. But… only two days left of February and then it will be March, which is Pretend Spring. I’m choosing to believe that the severity of this winter will push all of us to be exponentially more creative, passionate, and productive in the Spring and Summer months. It makes sense if you think of the art and revolution that often comes after a period of oppression <— my turn to be dramatic. *slumps neck*

  • AlisonH


    *hugs*

  • Irish Gumbo


    Well, hello. Good to hear your voice, as it were. I get what you say. Welcome back, madam. ::tipping hat::

  • Martina


    Glad you are back with the living. Winter does the same thing to me.

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