Neon Light

posted by Momo Fali on March 31, 2015

For months, in a tiny space where my children didn’t fill my heart, there was aching darkness. Even though it didn’t need much room to exist, the hole felt gaping, like a giant, black pit. You could’ve thrown a Chevy in there and it wouldn’t have touched either side.

Now that pit feels about the size of…well, a pit. Not even a big, lumpy peach pit either, but one of those little ones inside a cherry. And, not only is the pit tiny, I’m taking the cherries and making cherry pie, Ć  la mode.

I never anticipated my life, or the lives of my children, to turn out like this, and that still makes me sad. But, we will be okay. I know that now and I didn’t know that for a long, long time. I’m finding meaning in the pain and that’s healing me. We are finding normal, we are happy, and we are learning and growing in ways we didn’t know possible.

That growth is a beautiful thing. I am enjoying new things and appreciating new experiences and I’m no longer judged for it. I might find that I suddenly want to decorate my house with neon lights, and I CAN.

neon lightphoto credit: 171 via photopin (license)

I’ve had four friends in the last 24 hours tell me they were suicidal while going through divorce and I could understand that pain. It’s the absolute worst thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life and it hurts like nothing I’ve ever known. I remember people telling me it gets better and I wanted to scream at them and say, “Shut up! You DON’T KNOW! I’m DYING INSIDE!” Now I get it. It does get better. I can honestly say that I’m happy. I feel a little guilty saying it, but it’s true.

There is nothing – absolutely nothing – you can say to someone going through this to make them think you understand or that they are going to be okay. Nothing. Hold them, hug them, sit with them, love them, but don’t tell them it will get better. They have to trudge through the darkness until they see the light for themselves.

They may not think they’ll ever see it, but I am proof it is there.

    Comments

  • Shannon


    I am smiling for you and all of the neon in your life. I’m so happy it’s shining a little brighter.

  • Jennifer


    yay! I’m so happy for you and your neon spaces. I knew you’d get there šŸ™‚

  • Toni


    I’ve made it through my own personal hell too! I wake up everyday with a smile, I’m finding my old self and she’s awesome! My life is my own and my kids and my Grandkids, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Life is good, very good! Great in fact!

    As as present, I would like to return this earworm to you, “Shine bright like a diamond” Momo, shine bright!

  • Melisa


    xoxoxo

  • Davina


    AMEN! This gave me chills šŸ™‚

  • Cheryl at Busy Since Birth


    Glad you’re having pie and ice cream and neon. šŸ™‚

  • Heidi


    Diane,
    I love how clear, vulnerable and supportive your words are. Divorce is a journey and not a destination. It takes time and patience to not only survive the changes that divorce brings, but to ultimately later find yourself thriving. I dont know your whole story and generally avoid the “who is at fault” stuff, but I am glad to see you are finding your way through the changes and finding yourself in the process. I hope for your former spouse the same peace and ability to move forward.

  • Kathy


    tissues please.
    The pain doesn’t go away ever….. But you will be okay and you will travel a different road than planned. Glad we are good at traveling.
    I love this and you Diane for living outloud……
    Xoxo

  • Sisters From Another Mister


    Step by step … it is a journey.
    Love to you xxx

  • Joni


    You got this Di, you have miles and miles of neon lights ahead of you! Hugs to you, Love!

  • lisa


    Momo, The journey,our journey it comes with lots of bumps and dips along the way, somehow, us “women” we can endure and grow and become even more than we ever imagined we truly were. I am so very proud to read you, and laugh my ass off with you. Mostly, I admire your strength and your ability to find the light and the warmth once again. Blessings to you and yours, keep smiling šŸ™‚ ~ lisa

  • Laura


    Diane,
    Thank you for writing this. Someone I love dearly is in the darkness part of divorce and I want to tell her it will get better.
    In reality, I do not know the fear she is feeling for the future.
    Thank you for your words, “Hold them, hug them, sit with them, love them, but don’t tell them it will get better.” I needed this today.

    Great blog. Blessings and good things to you and your sweet family.
    Laura

  • UP


    Glad you’re better. But I still want to slap him. Hard.

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