No, not that kind of coming out! If there is anything to be gleaned from watching Josh Duhamel movies, it is that I am completely heterosexual. Okay, that’s probably the only thing to be gleaned from watching Josh Duhamel movies. I digress.

Almost a year ago, I had some routine blood-work done that showed my “bad” cholesterol was in the 260′s. For all of you 20-something readers, that’s high. Also, it’s been nice having you read my blog.

Truth be told, I was eating horribly; lots of fried, high-fat food and hardly any fruits or vegetables. I thought I could bring the numbers down by changing my diet. When my doctor asked, “What are we going to do about this cholesterol?”

I said, “I’m going to lose some weight!”

I don’t know if you know this, but you can’t just say, “I’m going to lose some weight” and have the weight come off. I’m sorry to break that to you. As a matter of fact, if you take a full-time job that has you sitting at your desk for long hours and working a lot of overtime, you will actually gain weight. Yep. It’s true.

Starting last September I really did try to change my diet, and in January I started working out about six times per week. I was making real changes, because the cancer in my family lit a fire under my patootie. I’m 40 now. I use words like “cholesterol” in blog posts. It was time.

When I went back to my doctor for a blood test in early February, I was sure these changes would be reflected in my numbers. Were they ever! My cholesterol went UP to nearly 290. It was awesome to hear that; almost as awesome as jumping off a two-story building and landing on your kneecaps.

My doctor said, “You’re building plaque as we sit here” and gave me two options; either take a statin drug every day, for the rest of my life, or drastically (and without moderation) alter my diet. When I asked him what that meant he said, “You’d have to go vegan.”

As in, no more butter. Ever.

It took me exactly two seconds to agree to try it. I have long said that I could easily be a vegetarian and when I pictured what was happening inside my body, the change was easy. Have I craved a nice, cheesy pizza? Yes. Is the cheesy pizza worth heart disease? No. I also know it isn’t good to drink alcohol while taking statins and if you ask me whether I’d rather give up animal products or beer, well…it’s not really a question at all.

I’m 11 weeks in to this lifestyle change and if my numbers are low enough after my next blood test, I can go off the prescription. Also, if that happens you’ll see me walking around with my arms in the air, like Rocky, for about a week. I’ll be the one yelling, “I WIN!”

Of course, not everyone has to take such drastic measures; I’m just lucky like that. I made my family cheeseburgers last night. Tonight, they’re having pork roast; tomorrow, barbecued chicken. You get the idea.

I, however, eat a lot of this:

So there, I’ve come out with it. Unless I’m miraculously approved to once again become a carnivore, you can refer to me as a vegan. Or, Rocky. Either one.

When I was in high school, I used to starve myself.  It wasn’t to the point that I had an eating disorder, but there were times I would go days where the only thing I would eat was a piece of cheese.  That was only if I was feeling light-headed.

Somewhere along the line, I started eating cheese because it tasted good and not because it kept me from passing out.  Then I had sick babies and started eating cheese because the very act of chewing took my mind off of the thought that my children might not survive.

Then I realized that there were all kinds of foods I liked that I had never let myself eat before.  Stuff like mayonnaise, peanut butter and beer.  Those foods + A decade of anxiety eating = My thighs.

During this period, I’ve lost and gained the same weight over and over.  Every spring, some comes off and every fall more comes back.

Not this year.  It’s not budging.

I started bootcamp at the end of January and have lost a whopping two pounds.  Though, admittedly, I haven’t stopped that beer thing.  However, if my jeans would fit based on increased flexibility and range of motion I would look fantastic.  Why doesn’t the scale notice that?  Huh?

I think part of it is because some of my meds have changed, but more of it is because I’m turning 40 in June.  My body is saying it has had enough of this torture.  I deserve every bit of pain the instructor is inflicting on me as punishment for treating my body like a trash can.  George Costanza’s trash can.

So I will continue to plug along, squeezing in three, one-hour workouts per week in the grand hopes that someday I will no longer have to squeeze into my pants.

A couple of days ago, I sat down with my husband and kids to watch an Oprah rerun featuring Dr. Oz. He was discussing the diabetes epidemic in America.

I wanted my 11 year old daughter to see the show, because she loves food that is horrible for her. If I let allowed it, she would eat doughnuts for breakfast, bologna on white bread for lunch and chicken nuggets for dinner. With extra dipping sauce.

I don’t let her. I buy plenty of fruits and vegetables, whole wheat bread and pasta and she is not allowed to drink soda unless it’s a special occasion or if she sneaks one at a friend’s house. Don’t think you’re fooling me, girl. She is in the 50th percentile for height and weight. She is healthy. For now.

I wanted her to see that, given the opportunity, she needs to make her own good decisions about nutrition. I don’t want her to end up like me. I can’t even keep sweets in the house because I have no self-control. If only I was as obsessed with laundry as I am with sugar. No one would ever run out of underwear.

My eight year old son loves all food. My mom can’t believe it. Really, it’s like a grandparents dream come true. He never asks what’s for dinner, he just sits down and starts eating everything on his plate. He weighs 42 pounds, so I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to bulk up.

My boy craves pine-nut hummus and red peppers. He eats blueberries and raw veggies like they’re going to stop harvesting them. Given his congenital heart disease, this is a good thing.

At the risk of losing readers who are also PETA members, I will admit that I have long said that I would be a vegetarian if someone else did all the food prep. All that washing and cutting…ugh.

Although I think I could survive without meat, you can’t deny that it is awfully easy to make chicken. Boiled chicken, grilled chicken, baked chicken, rotisserie chicken hot and ready for consumption on the end-cap of my local grocery store…

I don’t think my son would complain if I put him on a vegetarian diet either. Of course, he enjoys chocolate too. He’s a lot like his mother.

Which can only mean one thing.

Someday, he is really going to like beer.

1. If, over the holidays, you ate your weight in peanut butter blossoms and chocolate nut clusters, you may want to consider that it’s time for a diet.

2. If you decide on a low-carb diet then, by all means, make sure you work in a place where homemade apple crisp is made so that you can test your willpower when you smell it.

3. And you see it.

4. And you watch 200 kids eating it.

5. If your low-carb diet allows you to eat certain carbs, like Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat, they will taste like the best treat you’ve ever had.

6. Then you may find yourself going through a lot of Grape Nuts.

7. And toilet paper.

8. You may think that bread baked without flour is the worst thing you’ve ever tasted.

9. Until you try milled flax seed and soy hot cereal.

10. Even if you add a lot of cinnamon.

11. And Splenda.

12. If you are at the grocery store you might find yourself standing in the frozen food section seriously considering the purchase of low-carb ice cream.

13. But, then the rational part of you will realize that you’ll end up eating nothing but ice cream.

14. Then you may find yourself going home and being thankful that your pants feel just a little more loose.

15. And you’ll celebrate.

16. With a bowl of Grape Nuts.