You know how you sleep for 10 hours and it is the longest you have, maybe, ever slept in your entire life and it feels amazing, and then you sleep great again the next night and think it MUST be because the window is open and your mom was right about fresh air, and she’s probably right about catching a cold if you go outside with your hair wet, but you’ll still never forgive her for slapping a ski cap on every kid who ever came over to play if it was under 40 degrees, because “they may come over without a hat on, but I’ll be damned if they’re leaving without one,” and you’re so well-rested that you spend the weekend pulling weeds, trimming trees, and washing windows, and you sleep well AGAIN, and think maybe the insomnia is FINALLY going away after 14 years, and then you wake up the third morning with concrete in your lungs and realize that the only reason you’ve been sleeping well is because you’re getting really sick?

Yeah, me too.

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Me:

*wakes up, looks at clock, reads 4:00 AM*

I hope I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours. *stares at ceiling* Maybe I should just get up now and write a blog post. Or, I could work…yes, I should work, because I’ll be in Dayton for a writing workshop later this week and I’ll get behind because I’ll be off for a couple of days.

I feel so guilty that I’m missing my husband’s birthday because I’m going to be in Dayton. I wonder if it’s too late to cancel. Maybe we can celebrate his birthday tomorrow. I need to make a cake and get him a present. Oh, today is the dog’s birthday! I need to go to the store and get her some doggie ice cream. And, we need toilet paper. And, Zone bars.

But, I don’t have to do those things today. I do have to go to the post office and call two doctor’s offices and the health insurance company. Health. Sigh. I should get up and go to the gym right now. No, sleep is more important. I should sleep. Maybe I’ll lie on my side. Ouch, not on that side! Dang shoulder.

*snuggles up comfortably on other side* I’ll probably fall asleep and wake up in 20 minutes and have to pee. I should go pee now, but I’m so comfortable. Though, it’s a little warm under here. Am I sweating? I think I’m sweating. *throws blankets off* Well, I’m not comfortable anymore. I guess I’ll go pee.

*washes hands* Wow, my hands are dry. I could really use a manicure. And, a pedicure for that matter. But, we’re broke so I’ll have to do it myself. Yes, I’ll give myself a pedicure tonight. Oh, and wax my eyebrows. What am I going to wear in Dayton?

That reminds me, my daughter needs a costume for her school play next week. I love The Music Man. I can’t wait to see her singing, “Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep, cheep, cheep…”

*looks at clock, reads 5:18 AM*

“Pick a little, talk a little…” Great. Well, at least it got rid of that Barney song that another mom was singing at my daughter’s softball game last night. Oh, there’s a double-header on Saturday and I won’t be here. I need to pack a bag for my husband so he’s not stranded at the ball field with a bored nine year old. And, warm clothes and umbrellas, because it’s supposed to rain. Oh, and snacks. I can’t forget to get those Zone bars…

My husband:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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1. You wake up to find random plates and bowls on your nightstand.

2. Your daughter takes the candy from her Christmas stocking and hides it in her room.

3. Your husband asks, “Did you eat my Skittles?” Yes, I think I did.

4. Your husband asks, “If you only ate a banana, then why is the peanut butter on the counter?”

5. The bin of recycling is full of cereal boxes that you don’t remember emptying.

6. Your waistline disappears.

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Last Friday afternoon, I was told that five kids who share my daughter’s middle-school classroom had been infested with lice.

That night, my daughter was at a sleepover, my husband was on a fishing trip, my son was in bed and I started itching. I was sure I had lice and that my daughter was probably infesting her friend’s house.

It was midnight and I had no one around to look at my head. I have never had lice, nor have my children, so I didn’t really know what to do. Which is why I did what any sane, logical person would; I took my Ambien, poured half a bottle of apple cider vinegar on my head, covered it with a shower cap and a towel, then went to bed. See? Completely sane.

I woke up at 4:00am wondering how I had fallen asleep surrounded by apple cider vinegar stench. Thanks, Ambien! I showered, washed my hair a few times with the hottest water I could stand and dried it with the hottest setting on my dryer, then I changed my sheets.

Keep in mind, I had not seen a bug, a nit, a nothing. I’m proactive like that.

The next morning, I found out that my daughter was fine and I was without the slightest itch, so I declared myself a paranoid, lice-free woman. This whole scene? Is why I take Zoloft.

On Monday, when I was driving my son home after school, he told me that they had checked some kids for lice during the day, but he was upset they hadn’t checked him.

He said, “Mom, I don’t know why they didn’t check me! I wanted them to, but they told me to go back to my classroom!’

I looked at him in the rearview mirror. “That’s okay if they didn’t check you. I’m sure they only checked certain kids for a reason.”

Then I realized that I should have never explained why my bedroom reeked of vinegar on Saturday morning when he said,  “Well, they wouldn’t listen to me…I even told them that you have lice!”

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