Posts Filed Under Oprah Cliffs Notes

Oprah Cliffs Notes IX

posted by Momo Fali on January 25, 2011

On yesterday’s show Oprah revealed that, in 1963, her mother gave a baby girl up for adoption; which means Oprah has a baby sister!  It’s true.  There was a DNA test and everything.  A DNA test worth its weight in gold.

This is Patricia.  She is Oprah’s new half-sister.

Not to be confused with Patricia, Oprah’s former half-sister, who died in 2003.

Oprah, Patricia and her other sister Patricia, not to be confused with Larry, his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl…

…are all the children of the same mother.  Her name is Vernita.

Not to be confused with Oprah’s father, Vernon.  Though, this is not really Oprah’s father, it’s just his bust.

Not to be confused with breasts.

And, just like that.  We’ve come full circle.

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Oprah Cliffs Notes VIII

posted by Momo Fali on April 7, 2009

Last year I took fingers to keyboard and wrote to Oprah’s people about the community of moms I had found on-line. I thought it was a great idea for a show. I mentioned that blogging had opened up a new world for me….a world where I didn’t feel strange talking about the things no one ever tells you before you become a parent.

Yesterday’s Oprah featured moms and mom bloggers talking about motherhood and all the weird and frightening stuff that no one ever tells you before you become a parent. What a coincidence!
Needless to say, I was very interested in this show because I’m a mom blogger. And, because it was my idea. Not that I’m always a mom blogger. Sometimes, I’m a blogger who writes about Oprah shows which feature mom bloggers. That’s totally different.
This is Daphne. I personally know Daphne. Well, not so much personally know her as I’ve seen her on-line. Daphne is a new mom who admitted to pumping just before the show so that she wouldn’t burst. Considering that she also said her life sometimes resembles a sit-com, I felt the bursting would have been appropriate. Because, that? Funny stuff.

This is Karen. I really do know Karen. Well, not so much really know her as I really know some of her friends. Okay, not so much really know some of her friends as stalk some of her friends. So, yeah. In a nutshell, Karen and I are tight. Karen wanted to share her method of discipline with the audience, and that is to let your kids think you’re just a little bit crazy. Thank you, Karen. Consider it done.

This is Heather. I have no idea who she is.

Heather said she doesn’t like the early mornings that come with motherhood. This shouldn’t be a big problem much longer because her daughter is five. Oh…well, there is that little matter of Heather being seven months pregnant. Because the only thing better than facing an early morning, is facing an early morning with cracked and bleeding nipples.

And, here’s Vicki. Vicki recently was on a long car trip with her kids when she needed to use the restroom. When she saw that her children were all sleeping, she did the logical thing…instead of waking them, she peed in a diaper. This is her best, “Yep, I peed in a diaper” face.

Dee-Dee is not one to be outdone. Dee-Dee once ran out of diapers and instead of going out for more in the middle of the night, she fashioned her own out of maxi-pads.

What did I learn from this show? I learned it’s not really your idea if they can plug a new ABC sitcom at the same time. But more than that, I learned that I’m not as bad a mom as I thought I was.

Neither one of my kids has ever had to wear a maxi-pad.

Oprah Cliffs Notes VI

posted by Momo Fali on November 12, 2008

On today’s Oprah, Dr. Oz stopped by to discuss his new book, You: Being Beautiful.

Dr. Oz brought along Harvard-educated dermatologist, Dr. Susan Evans. Who also happens to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

Dr. Evans pulled women from the audience, who were concerned about wrinkles, sun spots and adult acne. None of them wore make-up so that Dr. Evans could put their faces inside the Visia Skin Analysis machine, which shows underlying skin problems. Way underlying. Here’s where Dr. Oz tells a woman how beautiful she is, as the deep damage to her skin is shown on a 20 foot wide screen in the background. I’m sure she felt lovely.

This is Geri’s foot. Geri has a fungal infection, which Dr. Oz says is easily cured with a pill. The only problem with that? The pill can cause liver failure. Hmmm…pretty toes or liver failure? Seems to be a toss up. Dr. Oz suggests to skip the pill and to instead soak the fungal feet in vinegar. Because feet that smell like vinegar are much more pleasant to be around.

Here Dr. Oz explains cellulite, which he says is incurable. This is just what I wanted to hear, exactly not at all. Then Dr. Oz showed the audience the expanse of my rear end.

In a nutshell, Dr. Oz wants us to know that what’s on the outside is evidence of what’s on the inside. In which case, I apparently resemble a Butterfinger.

Oprah Cliffs Notes V

posted by Momo Fali on October 8, 2008

On yesterday’s Oprah, Dr. Oz discussed numerous differences between men and women.

He started by introducing us to two lovely people who had dedicated their dead bodies to science. Two people who allowed themselves to be dissected, because they knew it was the only way they could get Oprah tickets. Here is where Dr. Oz massaged the dead woman’s bladder. He later walked across the stage and tickled the man’s prostate.

This is Brian. Brian discussed his hair transplant and how he had a section of scalp removed from the back of his head and moved to the the front. You can clearly see the improvement between his before picture, which looks like a mug shot, and his after picture…which looks like a mug shot with hair.

This is Jennifer, along with her husband, and her son Benjamin. Jennifer noticed that after her son was born, her memory started to fade and she would forget important words like, “tomato and chandelier”. Dr. Oz confirmed that Jennifer was indeed suffering from “Mommy Brain”. Apparently, babies suck the life out of their Mother’s noggin by stealing her omega-3 fats. As you can see, Benjamin was quite enthralled with Dr. Oz’s theory. Either that, or all that brain sucking really wore him out.