A week from tomorrow I am leaving town to attend a conference in Chicago. I have a scholarship that pays for my conference pass, and I didn’t think my 11 year old car would make the six hour drive, so Chevy is sending me a 2009 Tahoe. Then one of my roommates went and won a prize from Johnson and Johnson and is paying for our room. If I were Napoleon Dynamite this would be the equivalent of shocks and pegs. I am “Lucky!” Were it not for my my bar bill, this trip would be free.

One of my roommates is flying in from Oklahoma and I already know two of my roommates from a very ill-fated meet-up last year. But, because I spent most of that night in tears, hiding in the bathroom and fielding calls from the ER, I don’t feel like they really know me at all.

I thought I would dedicate a few posts to the three of them. It’s a little something to help them see who they’ll be singing karaoke with.

First of all, I am an insomniac. I have a horrible time sleeping because I lie awake thinking about things like a fellow blogger’s son who is in the hospital, or the fact that I just told my roommates that I would sing with them when I am actually completely tone deaf. I used to take Ambien, until I got addicted to it, but I was able to convince my doctor to give me a few pills to help me get through this trip.

Only problem? It makes me hallucinate in between taking it and actually falling asleep. Night before last, I went on Twitter during that time period…you know, because I had to test the Ambien. (Mom, Twitter is a social network where you can tell people what you’re doing in 140 characters or less. You can check it out…if you ever get a computer.)

So roomies, here are some of the things you’re in for. I give you my Ambien tweets…

Where I talk to my husband about a deer that I never saw – Am telling my husband the story about the deer from the other day that I TOTALLY remember. He says, “None of it happened”. Foiled by Ambien!!

I nod off, the first time – MomoFaliStarted typing a blog post, fell asleep and woke up to a screen full of “b’s”. Hai Ambien!

I hallucinate, the first time – Let’s just say there’s some Kung Fu Panda up in here…and the movie isn’t even on.

I nod off a second time – Just tried to send an 1133 character update (it was blank, as I fell asleep with my hand on the space bar). Twitter is so picky!

I hallucinate a second time and misspell the name of the most famous ship…ever – There’s some Kung Fu Panda/Titantic stuff going on in my house and my daughter keeps talking about swim lessons (but she’s really in bed).

I make up names for far away lands – A place called Ambeinland would have streets paved in silver and all the chocolate and beer you can eat. And, comfy pillows.

I finally come to my senses – And spekaing of comofy pillows. Goodnight.

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Last Saturday, my 10 year old daughter and I woke at 4:00am to volunteer at breakfast for the Special Olympics. My daughter worked, literally, like it was her job. Running from table to table, wiping them down, pushing in chairs, throwing away trash.

She worked so intensely that she was sweating, and at one point a man pulled me over to his table where a group of people told me they “had never seen a kid work as hard as the girl in the blue shirt”. When my kid walked over, they gave her a round of applause. I got to puff up my chest and tell them she was mine.

My seven year old son’s defective heart has been acting up lately. He’s been complaining of a “funny feeling…like a butterfly” and yesterday his cardiologist hooked him up to a monitor. He has five large leads stuck to his chest and he wore the monitor over his shoulder all day as he ran and played yesterday. He has been a perfect patient. I’m proud to be his mom.

My husband has been working like a maniac. Long, long hours at the office, then hours more from home in the late evening. He often doesn’t eat dinner until 10:00pm, and stays up until the wee hours on his laptop. Then he gets up at 6:00am to walk both dogs, rain or shine, sleet or snow and on the weekends he spends lots of time with his kids. Everything he does, he does for his family. He is a good man.

As for being proud of myself? Well, at least I have that whole being able to hang a spoon on the end of my nose thing.

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1. The public library is pretty much the biggest scam on the planet. Free books, free music, free movies for everyone! Take five books if you want…we trust you.

2. If my son can do something he knows is wrong, he will.

3. I love watching my kids play ball in the summer, but by the time July rolls around with her 90 degree heat and 90% humidity, and her peri-menopausal, PMS attitude (oh wait…that’s me) I’m kind of over it. And, at least half of me secretly hopes they don’t make it to the tournaments.

4. If you happen to be sitting under a tree at your daughter’s softball game and a big purple glob plops onto your shirt and pants, you will be disgusted because you think it’s bird poop. Then you will be really relieved when you realize it’s just a rotten mulberry.

5. I have had bad headaches since I was eight years old. Last Tuesday, I eliminated sugar from my diet and I haven’t had a headache since. You would think this would make me stop eating chocolate forever. You would be wrong.

6. When someone asks me if I’m doing Atkins or South Beach and I tell them I’m doing the Suzanne Somers diet and they laugh at me, is it wrong for me to hit them over the head with a Thighmaster?

7. Heterosexual men shouldn’t walk miniature poodles. Okay to own. Not okay to walk.

8. My 10 year old daughter waits to cut her toenails until I begin referring to them as talons.

9. I asked her if she would mind if I shared that toenail tidbit, and she said, “Not as long as you post a picture of them.”

10. I wouldn’t do that to you.

11. If you buy a black lab puppy from a breeder because the bloodlines are healthy, and in the first eight weeks that you have her she gets a UTI, mites, two staph infections, anemia, drinks latex paint and eats a rock, you’re going to want to kick yourself for not going to the pound and getting a mutt. You’ll also want to kick the breeder.

12. Then you’ll see her adorable puppy face and none of that will even matter.

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