USA Today reported that Oakland Raiders receiver Javon Walker was robbed of $3,000 cash and $100,000 in jewelry on June 16. Yes, you read that correctly…$100,000 in jewelry.

In order to look comparably rich, I’ve decided to have my house made into a necklace.

Within our group of friends we have an odd quirk of quoting movie lines. Okay, truth be told, we have a lot of quirks, but this is the only one I feel comfortable putting on internet display.

These quotes? Well mind you, they’re never anything intellectual, but more of the Fletch, Three Amigos, or Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure variety. We’re deep like that.

The movie’s we pull script from may be cheesy, but we take our lines seriously. You aren’t allowed to screw them up.

Once, while urging some friends to hurry, I took a line from Lord of the Rings – Fellowship of the Ring and said, “Run you fools”, when Gandalf’s line is actually, “Fly you fools”. By the looks on their faces, you’d think I had French-kissed my brother.

That was six years ago and they still haven’t let me forget it. They have also taken some liberties and claim I said something like, “Get the lead out you goofballs” or “Trot along you loonies”. This is the grief I’ve endured for being ever so slightly off.

Another friend was chastised for butchering a line from the movie-quote-abundant Dumb and Dumber. What should’ve been, “Big Gulps, huh? Well, see you later” came out as, “Big Gulps, huh? Well, gotta go”. Oh, the shame. For the love of coffee! If you’re going be quoting, you have to be closer than that.

The following are movie lines I quote most often.

From Princess Bride:
When sending people on their way…”Have fun storming the castle!”

From Dirty Dancing:
When my ideas are shot down…“He wouldn’t know a new idea if it hit him in the Pachenga.” Frequently modified to, “He wouldn’t know a good idea if it hit him in the Pachenga.” I figure that’s an allowable modification, since nobody ever knows what I’m talking about.

When I’ve carried a watermelon…“I carried a watermelon.”

When I look around my basement or rummage through my purse…“Such junk…such junk.”

From Dumb and Dumber:
When things aren’t going well or I have a lot to do…”Our pets’ heads are falling off!”

When I’ll be right back…”Don’t you go dying on me!”

When taking medicine…“Pills are good. Pills are gooooood!”

When I’m beating someone at a game…“You are one pathetic loser. No offense.”

There, now I’ve shared mine. It’s time for you boys and girls to do the same. What is your favorite movie quote? Please share, so that pathetic loser thing doesn’t come back and bite me in the rear.

We just got back from a weekend at an amusement park on the Lake Erie shore. That’s right. My husband is the type of guy who spends his Father’s Day schlepping kids around a hot, sticky, crowded park just so he can watch them smile. (Insert “Aw” here.)

This particular park has an indoor roller coaster that my daughter really wanted to ride, so I volunteered to take her. The waiting line weaved through a building illuminated with black-lights.

Upon entering, everyone wearing white tennis shoes and shirts began to glow. People had florescent eyeballs and when they smiled it was with neon teeth.

I, however, wasn’t wearing anything white. Instead the black-light revealed dirt…all over my shirt. Dirt and amusement park grime which had not been visible outside. It looked like I had removed my top, laid it on the ground and let my six year old stomp all over it.

Because I had been holding my son earlier, every mark from his sandals was imprinted like bad graphics. There were marks from roller coaster seat-belts, and shoulder restraints too.

So, while everyone else was positively glowing, I felt contaminated ala Meryl Streep in Silkwood.

I have always thought that the shower after an amusement park visit is the best shower you can take. Now I don’t just think it…I know it.

I am not a vain person. Sure, I try to keep fine lines from turning into deep trenches, and I color my hair. And, like any woman, I enjoy being pampered with an occasional pedicure. But, it’s not unusual for me to run out of the house in the morning with a baseball cap on, and nothing on my face but the wrinkles left there from my pillowcase.

When my daughter sees me looking this way, and she knows I’m on my way to the store, she’ll say, “You know you’re going to see someone you know, because you don’t have any makeup on”. She’s often right, but I normally don’t care.

Recently, I was buying flowers at a local nursery with my six year old son in tow, when he struck up conversations with various people in the check-out line. As long as he doesn’t start touching strangers, or telling folks they resemble sea creatures, I’m fine with him practicing his speaking skills.

One of the people he talked to was an older woman waiting directly in front of us.

I noticed that her appearance was much like mine. We were both in shorts and t-shirts, with dirty tennis shoes on our feet. Martha Stewart’s got nothing on my gardening attire.

But, the similarities ended with our clothing and lack of mascara, because she was much older than I was. Or, so I thought.

Suddenly, she turned to me and said, “Hey! I know you! We went to high school together! Remember? Remember me?”

I did remember her. I managed to utter something…something I’m sure sounded like a small yelp, because all I could really do was wonder if I looked like she did. No! I couldn’t! She was older than me. A whole year older.

We spoke for a few minutes…mostly about our mutual friend Julie, who I haven’t seen in years, but with whom she has stayed in contact. As she left the store she said, “I’ll tell Julie you said hello.”

The thing I said about not being vain? Well, so much for that…because as she continued to her car I yelled, “Don’t tell her what I looked like!”