1. If you see that the wind has blown leaves over every square inch of your yard, it will rain before you have a chance to bag them.

2. When you go for a run and your Albuterol canister is empty, your asthma attack might seem a lot worse than normal.

3. Because it is.

4. Out of desperation, you might drink a beer to calm yourself down.

5. Well, half a beer. Then use the other half to make beer-can chicken on your grill!

6. You’re efficient like that.

7. When you’ve been on your feet, cleaning, making dinner and doing laundry for hours and you finally sit down with everything you need within reach (cell phone, home phone, laptop, steno pad, pen, glasses and books…see efficient statement, above) you might spill a cup of water on half of it.

8. When you’re 40, you will find hair growing out of places you never did before. Like your chin, and your neck and your ears.

9. You also might find that running three miles, three times a week for over a month, results in a three pound weight GAIN.

10. Which may make you want to burn the Halloween candy.

11. Right after you eat that Twix bar.

1. If a friend wins a memory foam mattress on an adjustable base (think Craftmatic commercials without the elderly people) and GIVES it to you, you may think it’s so incredible that you insist that your friends and family sit on it when they come to visit.

2. Then you may take delight in putting the head AND the feet up to their highest point and watch your friends get smashed in the middle.

3. When you weigh more than you have since your last pregnancy and you just sprained your foot, then your husband says, “We’re starting 1/2 marathon training on Monday”, there may be an audible GULP as that news sinks in.

4. But, not as big as the gulp that was heard when you stood on the scale.

5. No matter how often you bathe your stinky dog, you can’t completely eliminate the stank.

6. And, no matter how often your nine year old son takes a shower, he will still have dirty feet.

7. There should be a 12 step program for House Hunters addicts. Mostly, so that people like me can stop yelling at the home buyers when they pick out the worst house. Never mind that cracked foundation! There’s a linen closet! Sold!

8. Don’t even get me started on House Hunters International, where your pantry has to share space with your stand-up shower and the stacked washer/dryer, and your youngest child…and her guinea pig. We can see the beach! Sold!

9. Sometimes clocks don’t display the correct time. This will make you late. You’re welcome.

10. Your husband may think he’s doing a good job of using clean language in front of your kids, but when your nine year old tells his therapist that he “can tie his shoes, but they look pretty jacked up”, it may be time to reconsider the words you are using as substitutes.

1.  If your house has been neglected for five months because of your work schedule, spring break will be a great chance to catch up on everything from home repair to laundry.

2.  Your 12 year old daughter won’t see it that way.

3.  Though, she might surprise you halfway through break and suggest that you tear out some carpeting.

4.  Which will lead to new surprises.

5.  When you tell the cashier at the home improvement store that you don’t need help loading your car with your newly purchased sheet of plywood, be sure to take into account how windy it is.

6.  Because when the winds are 30 mph, a sheet of plywood acts like a kite and will suddenly fly you across the parking lot all while you’re trying to hold on to said enormous sheet of plywood.

7.  And you might look like a fool.

8.  But, not as much as when you drive home barely able to see above the dashboard because there is a piece of plywood directly above your head.

9.  Yet all of the carpet-cutting, hauling, loading, sawing, reinforcing and sore muscles will be totally worth it.

10.  Because your kids will see that mommies can be strong too.

1.  If you have never heard of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), then you must not live in Ohio.  We invented it.

2.  Not really, but we could have.

3.  Vitamin D supplements don’t make up for the missing sunshine, no matter how much you take.

4.  And, don’t take too much or it will lead to a different disorder, entirely.

5.  Don’t let Mother Nature fool you when she orders up 65 degree temperatures in mid-February.

6.  Because it only lasts long enough for things to start thawing.

7.  And, for your dog to start rolling in poop and in dead animals that have been laying under a bed of snow for months.

8.  But, of course, it’s too cold to bathe your dog with a hose.

9.  Which is when you will seriously consider taking her to the car wash.

10.  There is no doubt, however, that you would let your dog roll in just about anything, and you would put up with the cold and the Vitamin D overload, if you could just see a blue sky again.

11.  Because, really Ohio?  This perpetual gray is getting pretty old.