1. When you are celebrating your 12th anniversary, it is a good idea to take a road trip with your husband so the two of you can reconnect without the kids or the dogs around.

2. But, you may find that you are so tired because of insomnia which has plagued you for 11 of those 12 years, that you will sleep the entire way to your destination.

3. Which seriously prevents that reconnecting stuff.

4. When your husband stops near the hotel and asks where he can find a carry-out, you may be surprised to find yourself looking for a place called The Whore House. And, when you see it’s actually named The Pour House, and that your husband misheard, you’ll feel a lot better about spending your money there.

5. Staying in a nice hotel and taking a bubble bath in a jacuzzi tub with no kids around, will seem a like a little slice of heaven.

6. Seafood buffets in the Midwest can be really good and even though eating oysters on the half-shell in Indiana will seem insane, you will do it anyway.

7. Splurging on a seafood buffet the night before your anniversary means you will eat Burger King for lunch on your actual anniversary.

8. When you get home, even though it’s been a decade since you last saw it, your husband won’t want to watch your wedding video again.

9. Instead you’ll sit in your regular spot on the love seat and look over at him in his regular spot on the couch.

10. Then you’ll hope for many more years of seeing him right there.

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It is late Monday night and my family and I just got home from two days at Cedar Point, in Sandusky, Ohio which is arguably the best amusement park in the world. Here are my observations…

1. If you have any short-shorts, then by all means, wear them! They are best paired with a halter top and a large belly.

2. People with dirty toenails shouldn’t wear sandals.

3. When you stand in line for an hour with thousands of people in 95 degree heat, things are going to get real stinky.

4. I hate ferris wheels.

5. I love roller coasters.

6. $4.15 for a 22 ounce fountain drink is a complete rip-off.

7. My inner ear isn’t what it used to be.

8. Dramamine is awesome!

9. When your seven year old son will only ride in things that are red, you may want to call his doctor to further discuss his OCD tendencies.

10. You might be in such a huge hurry to get into the park in the morning, that at the end of the day you will forget where you parked. Then you will cry.

11. The shower you take after a day at the amusement park is the best shower you will ever take.

12. When your son bursts into tears and says, “I want to live at Cedar Point!” all of the above will be totally worth it.

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1. If your son decides to eat some fruit, make sure he doesn’t leave 1/4 of a watermelon sitting out where your puppy can eat it…rind and all.

2. When you are driving a car to Chicago that is on loan from a very nice company (Hi Chevy!) you may want to make sure you know where the windshield wipers are before you go driving in the rain.

3. And, when removing a very heavy, rear seat from said car, make sure you don’t let it swing down and hit you in the ovary.

4. The summer breeze through the screen door isn’t quite as bug-free if your five month old, 50 pound puppy goes right through it to get to the mailman.

5. Ironing on a humid day is not fun.

6. No matter how prepared you are for a trip out of town to meet a thousand people, you will never be prepared for the zit you’ll get. In your eyebrow.

7. If you think the Vietnamese people at the nail salon are talking about you, that’s because they are.

8. No matter how crazy your kids make you and no matter how much they fight, when they are not home the silence will be deafening and you’ll miss them a lot.

9. When you are on a sugar-free diet and there is homemade wine in your refrigerator, it’s pretty much torture.

10. No really. Ironing totally stinks.

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1. The public library is pretty much the biggest scam on the planet. Free books, free music, free movies for everyone! Take five books if you want…we trust you.

2. If my son can do something he knows is wrong, he will.

3. I love watching my kids play ball in the summer, but by the time July rolls around with her 90 degree heat and 90% humidity, and her peri-menopausal, PMS attitude (oh wait…that’s me) I’m kind of over it. And, at least half of me secretly hopes they don’t make it to the tournaments.

4. If you happen to be sitting under a tree at your daughter’s softball game and a big purple glob plops onto your shirt and pants, you will be disgusted because you think it’s bird poop. Then you will be really relieved when you realize it’s just a rotten mulberry.

5. I have had bad headaches since I was eight years old. Last Tuesday, I eliminated sugar from my diet and I haven’t had a headache since. You would think this would make me stop eating chocolate forever. You would be wrong.

6. When someone asks me if I’m doing Atkins or South Beach and I tell them I’m doing the Suzanne Somers diet and they laugh at me, is it wrong for me to hit them over the head with a Thighmaster?

7. Heterosexual men shouldn’t walk miniature poodles. Okay to own. Not okay to walk.

8. My 10 year old daughter waits to cut her toenails until I begin referring to them as talons.

9. I asked her if she would mind if I shared that toenail tidbit, and she said, “Not as long as you post a picture of them.”

10. I wouldn’t do that to you.

11. If you buy a black lab puppy from a breeder because the bloodlines are healthy, and in the first eight weeks that you have her she gets a UTI, mites, two staph infections, anemia, drinks latex paint and eats a rock, you’re going to want to kick yourself for not going to the pound and getting a mutt. You’ll also want to kick the breeder.

12. Then you’ll see her adorable puppy face and none of that will even matter.

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