One of the best things about being a blogger is that I am my own editor. Some people may cringe (Hi, Amie!) when they see my run-on sentences, my poor punctuation and my-over-use-of-hyphens, but I don’t have to type right if I don’t want to. I realize this makes me sound like a child, but whatever. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t cringe when I read other blogs (come on, people, use your spell-check) or hear people say things like, “a-whole-nother”. Seriously. Kill me now.

Now, I need my readers to settle a dispute between me and two of my friends about a statement people frequently make. Here goes…

I say, “All of a sudden”. Keep in mind, the “a” does not come out like a Canadian, “eh”, but more of a Midwestern, “uh”. One of my friends says this makes me sound not Canadian, and not Midwestern, but rather West Virgina holler-like.

My friend Bean, says, “All the sudden”. I think this sounds Midwestern. We tend to leave out “of” and “to be”. Instead we say, “The car needs washed”. I am proud to be a corn-fed, Midwestern, but this just doesn’t sound right to me.

My friend Amy, says, “All of the sudden”. I still think it’s wrong, but I will give her extra credit for putting an “of” in there.

We have spent hours debating this. Please, people, settle this for me.

Tell them I’m right!

Follow

Email

To my daughter:

“Although I did pass fifth grade, it was a long time ago. You will have to ask Dad to help you with this math homework.”

To a friend who is pregnant with twins:

“I wish I was pregnant with twins so I would have an excuse for this body.”

To my back:

“Don’t you dare go out on me.”

To the dog:

“Please stop barking!”

To my son:

“I know that you love icing, but that does not make okay for you to lick it off of your classmate’s cupcake.”

“Please stop barking!”

“I’m sure that it’s fun for a boy to wear his first cup, but you probably shouldn’t slam that stainless steel water bottle against your private parts to make sure it’s working.”

Follow

Email

My children like to talk. A lot. We have a video of my daughter telling a story when she was three and she doesn’t finish before the tape ran out…after 30 minutes.

Though, at times, it can drive me crazy, I’m glad my kids talk to me. Our conversations have opened the doors to discussions that (hopefully) let my children know that I’ll always be honest with them. If they ask me something, I do my best to give them a truthful, accurate answer.

Being that kids are naturally curious about the human body, this means that some of the things we’ve talked about would make typical parents squirm. That’s right, I’m talking about ex-say. (Ha! Find me now, spammers!) I have always spoken openly about ex-say because we’re all human and it’s a topic that everyone has to deal with at one time or another. God gave us noses to smell and He gave us other parts for other things.

I discuss these things with them because I believe that knowledge is power. I want my kids to be armed and ready to make informed decisions…when they are adults and have finished college and are married to someone who loves and respects them and tells them the sun rises and sets with their smile.

Depending on the age at which they have asked questions, I have had to use language that my children will understand. Which may have backfired on me when my son once told a complete stranger that he had babies in his bawlz.

But, as it turns out, I may have confused my daughter as well. A couple of years ago, when I first explained how babies are conceived, I apparently messed things up quite a bit.

Let’s just say that the other night she told me that she walked away from that conversation thinking that a women had to chew up the man’s parts…as if sitting down to a steak dinner…in order to have a baby.

I’m glad we cleared that up before she meets her future husband.

Follow

Email

To my son:

“Maybe if you would have gone to the bathroom when I told you to, I wouldn’t be standing in the shower holding your piece of cheese and trying to wash my hair one-handed!”

“Is that stain on your jacket from when you threw up phlegm at recess or is it a blood stain from yesterday’s loose tooth?”

“Hurry up and go poop!”

To the puppy:

“Get your butt off my new throw pillow!”

“Get your butt off my laptop!”

“Hurry up and go poop!”

To my daughter:

“The puppy ate your soccer ball.”

To a newly purchased cleaning product:

“Your bottle says ‘streak-free shine’. You are not streak-free shining.”

To the television:

“Wow. Rick Springfield has had some work done.”

To my husband, when he asked me suggestively what was for dessert:

“Chocolate chip cookies.”

Follow

Email