Now I Suppose You Want a Barn

posted by Momo Fali on December 19, 2008

About a month ago, my son and daughter created a makeshift Christmas list by sitting down and circling items in a toy catalog. My daughter hasn’t wavered in her request for an iPod, a Nintendo DS and a Bongo Board. My son, however, can’t seem to make up his mind.

His first list included Transformers, a marble roller-coaster, and any and all things Little Einstein. I shopped, his grandparent’s shopped, and we thought the boy would have a very happy Christmas.

Roughly two weeks later, he decided he wanted a train, books, and some Webkinz. Then shortly after that, he took an interest in Backugan toys and added that to his list as well.

Despite trips back and forth to the store, and extra charges on the credit card, I thought we had things under control.

But all of that was before my son sat on Santa’s lap and we found he had changed his tune yet again. As he stroked the jolly elf’s beard, my boy put a sweet smile on his face, looked into Santa’s eyes…and asked him to bring us a horse.

Oprah Cliffs Notes VII

posted by Momo Fali on December 17, 2008

On yesterday’s Oprah, ABC’s John Quiñones discussed What Would You Do?, which is his latest social experiment airing on Primetime…formerly known as Primetime Live. Also, formerly known as an interesting show. In this experiment, hidden cameras are used to see how people react when put into volatile situations.

In the first segment, we saw a group of female actors in a park. One of the girls was being bullied by the other three. The hidden camera was used to see if anyone would stop and help the victim.

The mean girls used labels like “nerd”, “loser”, and other niceties. Many women stopped and scolded the girls for their lousy behavior and made sure the victim was okay. Most men did nothing. Though in their defense, when women are talking, men don’t really listen. Unless that woman is Erin Andrews.

In the second experiment, an actor behind the counter of a bakery in Texas tells an actor dressed as a Muslim woman to take her business elsewhere. In this case, the cameras are there to see if anyone will criticize the “clerk” for his blatant discrimination.

Most customers ignore the situation, even when the clerk tells the woman to “get back on your camel and go back to where you came from”. Which is the point where I would have left the store, driven down the road to a cattle ranch, picked up a longhorn, then gone back to the bakery and kindly asked that bigot to bend over.

This lady with the sideways glance is Kiley. Kiley didn’t know there were hidden cameras watching her, as she watched her best friend’s boyfriend in a restaurant with another woman. You got that? Read it again. Here, let me help. Kiley’s best friend is Mary Ellen, and Mary Ellen’s boyfriend, David, was flirting with a woman who was not Mary Ellen. The other woman? You guessed it, she’s an actor.

Kiley was set up to see if she would confess what she witnessed. She did. She nervously told Mary Ellen that she saw David holding hands and kissing another woman. And to prove she’s the kind of friend every woman should have, Kiley then reached in her purse and offered Mary Ellen a Xanax.

After reading this, I wish I had some to offer you.

Who Do You Look Like?

posted by Momo Fali on December 15, 2008

The other day someone left me this comment, most likely after seeing this picture of me…

“Hey- I have never spoken with you or heard your voice, but I was watching Jerry McGuire and when Bonnie Hunt was on screen she seemed “familiar”- who does she remind me of? I thought- YOU. From the few small profile pics and your funny stories, I have created you to be like her in my head- please tell me you speak with a Chicago dialect!”

Not Chicago, but I am from the Midwest. Does that count? But, I have heard the Bonnie Hunt thing before. Except she’s cuter, funnier, and smarter.

When I was in junior high school I had short, permed hair. At the time, there was a little known actress named Meg Ryan starring on “As the World Turns” and lots of people told me I looked like her. Now, however, she resembles Michael Jackson and I would not take that as a compliment.

In high school, when my hair grew long and straight, I was often compared to Marcia “Oh, my nose!” Brady.

And, in my 20’s when “Mad About You” was on television, there were some folks who said I resembled Helen Hunt. Personally, I think it’s just because we both have gigantic foreheads.

As for celebrity look-a-likes, if you took that gigantic forehead, and threw in John Mayer’s crooked smile…

…and the hairy monsters that are Brooke Shields’ eyebrows…

…and Paris Hilton’s wonky eye…

…and Jamie Farr’s nose…

then you would have an accurate comparison to me. Tell me boys and girls, who do you resemble?

That Sounds Like a Personal Problem

posted by Momo Fali on December 12, 2008

My six year old son has always suffered from a pretty nasty case of reflux. When he was an infant, this resulted in constant shifts in medication, a lot of crying by him and me, and more than our fair share of projectile vomiting.

During an endoscopy a few years ago, his gastroenterologist noted that the ring of muscles around his lower esophagus, which is supposed to keep his stomach contents in his stomach, didn’t function properly. Actually, not at all. His ring simply doesn’t contract when it should, allowing half-digested food to freely flow up from whence it came.

We refer to these moments as “yucky burps”. We’ve all had them, right? Those bile-flavored, liquid belches. Mmmmmm. Delicious!

At his last GI visit, his doctor suggested that he was old enough for us to try to wean him off some of his medications. Considering one of them costs $261.00 a month, we were all for it.

But, my boy doesn’t like to make things easy. When we discontinued the medicine, the yucky burps increased, and some of them weren’t just burps. He has been throwing up a lot too. Does anyone have $261.00 I could borrow?

Yesterday in school, he was goofing off with a straw in his mouth and it hit him in just the wrong spot. He gagged, and that gag brought up breakfast, snack, and my personal favorite, regurgitated milk.

His quick-thinking teacher, who is fully aware of the reflux situation, jumped in and cleaned up the mess, then told all the kids in the kindergarten class about my boy’s esophageal “flap”. She told them that their flaps stay closed and keep food where it should be, but that his flap doesn’t work and sometimes that means his food comes back up.

But I didn’t know the extent of her conversation. Which would explain why I was at a complete loss last night when my son exclaimed, “Mom! My flap hurts!”