Dear NukeDad,

I had fully anticipated the Buckeyes eating Bevo for dinner last night, but apparently our defensive linemen are vegetarians. Who knew? Oh, that’s right…you did.

Congratulations on the victory. A year which gave Mack Brown his 200th win, and gave Colt McCoy an NCAA record for completions, also gave us Buckeye fans our third bowl loss in a row. You must admit, however, that we gave you a run for your money. You can’t tell me you weren’t a little bit worried. Give our quarterback a couple of years, and then we’ll talk.

At the very least, our band sounded better than yours. Oh, and as far as fans go, you can keep this guy…

Sincerely,

Momo

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Dear NukeDad,

I thought I’d make sure you don’t want to back out of our little wager. You know, the one where you write a groveling post after Ohio State beats Texas tonight in the Fiesta Bowl.

Just in case you haven’t heard of him, this is James Laurinaitis. He’s going to do some ball stripping, intercepting, serious tackling, and maybe a little sacking. He’s a nice guy, so he won’t pop any one’s head off, but he could if he wanted to.

Actually, you may remember him from scenes like this…

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Momo

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My six year old son, who has a penchant for blatant honesty and who often makes people uncomfortable (Read: Me) with his embarrassing remarks, has begun to develop some manners. Recently, he started apologizing in advance before hurling insults or doing something wrong.

“Mom I’m sorry to do this, but I’m going to step on the dog’s tail.”

“Mom I’m sorry to say this, but you have really big feet.”

The good news, is that he is finally understanding right from wrong. The bad news, is that he still doesn’t mind being wrong.

Last week, we were watching A Christmas Story (“You’ll shoot your eye out!”) with the kids when Ralphie’s father blurted out, “Smartass.”

I said, “Whoops. I forgot that there was a bad word in this movie.”

My son asked, “What? What bad word?”

I replied, “I’m not going to say it. It was bad.”

Completely dissatisfied with my answer, my boy questioned me further. “Did he say stupid?”

I shook my head.

He asked, “Was it dumb?”

I said, “No.”

Then came the pre-apology.

“Mom I’m sorry to ask this, but did that guy say balls?”

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Just like last year, U.S. News and World Report has released their list of ways to improve your life in the new year. Here are a few of their suggestions and what I think of them.

1. Drink screw-topped wines.
Already taken care of. I recently cut my hand when I tried to open a screw-top with a corkscrew. Really. You just have to unscrew them. It’s amazing.

2. Try that home before buying.
It’s possible the current owners won’t appreciate it, but they’ll do anything to sell their house that is worth $20,000 less than the price for which it was purchased. Make yourself at home.

3. Get a new toothbrush.
If you only do this yearly, you better make it a good one. Pick up some floss while you’re at it.

4. Get paid for good health.
With my asthma, insomnia and migraines, I can probably get a whole quarter.

5. Study philosophy.
Will do. Right after I see the forest for the trees.

6. Start using Twitter.
Now we’re talking.

7. Finish a crossword puzzle.
Thank goodness this isn’t plural and thank goodness they give you a whole year to get it done.

8. Plant a square-foot garden.
You won’t net much fruit, but you can still call yourself a gardener.

9. Add obstacles to your jog.
Just run down the middle of the street. Or, if you prefer a trail you can jump over other joggers.

10. Play a fake musical instrument.
I’m even going to spring for fake piano lessons for my kids. I’m generous like that.

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