Beating The Odds

posted by Momo Fali on May 9, 2008

Tomorrow is my son’s sixth birthday. When he was born, we didn’t know if he would live, so his birthday is a true celebration.

The boy who came into this world seven weeks early, is now the master procrastinator. He will wait until the last minute to eat, get dressed, and my personal favorite…pee.

The boy who was barraged with needles and tubes, and who hated to be touched or held because he feared it would be painful, now greets his friends with hugs each day.

The boy who we never thought would talk, now sings and reads bedtime stories to us.

The boy who didn’t walk until he was almost two, now runs, climbs, plays, and gives me heart palpitations when he jumps off the furniture.

The boy who never wanted to eat, who gagged, choked and often vomited on his food, is now an unstoppable eater. We call his stomach the bottomless pit.

The boy with the defective heart, now has more energy than his parents.

The boy who frustrated me, now makes me laugh. The boy who failed in everything he tried to do, now can do anything. The boy who was weak, has taught me what real strength really is.

Happy Birthday Boo. We are blessed that you were born.

Are You Quotable?

posted by Momo Fali on May 8, 2008

I take humor very seriously. To me, there is little doubt about its benefits. Laughter is good for you.

My Dad is, hands down, the funniest person I have ever known. It doesn’t matter what you say to him, he will come back at you with one of his many bizarre, and often hilarious, catch phrases.

For instance, if you ask him what time it is, he will reply, “Time for all dogs to die, don’t you feel sick?” He doesn’t say he’s going to get a haircut, but instead he’s “going to get his ears lowered”. And, if you ask him to do something when he’s lounging in a chair his reply will be, “I’m awful busy”.

Imagine Steve Carell’s character on The Office saying, “That’s what she said”, but multiply it times infinity. My Dad has tons of these trademark lines. He has so many quotes, that he keeps them numbered “for emergencies”.

On my wedding video, he lifted his glass to toast me and his new son-in-law and said, “Here’s looking up your old address.” And when I was a kid, and I would start to get on his nerves he would say, “Go call your Mother and tell her she wants you.” But, if I was being unusually bad he would say, “Knock it off or I’m going to cloud up and rain all over you.”

More than a few of these have stuck. I find myself uttering his lines.

At my former job I heard some quotes which I continue to use such as, “It’s so cold outside, you could snap an ear off”. And, instead of saying, “Give me a break”, one of my co-workers used to say, “Peel me a grape”. I find myself saying that every day.

Not long ago a girl I know used the line, “Hot damn in can”, and now I say it too. Another thing I say quite often is, “For crying in a sink”. My husband’s family says, “For crying in a pop bottle”.

But, my most frequent quote? Well, it makes me sound like I’m Jed Clampett. When something goes wrong I always say, “Dag-nabbit”.

If I ever want to have a library as large as my Dad’s I have a lot of work to do. So, I need your help. Boys and girls, I’m curious…what is your favorite phrase?

Oprah Cliffs Notes III

posted by Momo Fali on May 6, 2008

Yesterday, Oprah hosted Tom Cruise as they celebrated his 25 years in the film industry. It’s hard to believe, considering he looks like he’s fourteen. In the absence of couch-jumping, they discussed how perfect his life is.

After he surprised a fan in the audience, it was time for the tables to be turned. Tom’s Hollywood buddies surprised him by making video clips to congratulate him on his career.

First, Will and Jada talked about how “real” Tom is. Only, they didn’t call him Tom, they called him T.C., and those are not accurate initials, because Tom’s “real” last name is Mapother. That makes him kind of real…like pleather.

Then, Jada explained how her hair had been chopped of in a bad weed-whacking accident.

Next, the audience saw Renee Zellweger’s greeting. She told us how Tom was born with some kind of “magic”. Black magic.

And in an uncanny twist, Renee declared her hair had also been chopped off by a weed-whacker.

A video clip from David and Victoria Beckham revealed that when David opens his mouth to talk, he’s not as cute as you thought he was. Mr. Rogers called, he wants his cardigan back.

Becks explained that he enjoys being Tom’s friend because they like to play a game called Guess Which Wife is Yours.

After the show, Tom called the audience glib then went back to his perfect life.

I Bet He Really Is The King Of Pain

posted by Momo Fali on May 5, 2008

Last night, I attended a Police concert. No Mom, not actual law enforcement personnel, but The Police…as in the band with a guy named Sting.

Can anyone tell me what happened to the young fellas who once danced around on MTV? Because those guys are gone. Someone went and replaced them with three well-over-middle-aged men.

And, you know what else happened? The audience went and got old too. The binocular rental booth was hopping, and if I had a dollar for every gray hair I saw, my family would be sitting pretty for generations to come. If I was a geriatric physician, I would have been handing out business cards.

What’s really sad about the whole thing, is that it means I’m aging as well. For crying out loud, I walked to the show with orthotics in my shoes, and at one point I almost had to stop and stretch. Darn youngsters designing those long city blocks.

But, as long as those boys keep playing, I’ll continue to wear my arch supports and dance…okay, sit.

“Honey, break out the bifocals…Def Leppard’s coming to town.”