I haven’t had much time to tell you about the BlogHer ’11 Conference, because my job is to read what everyone else is saying about the BlogHer ’11 Conference and, whoa Nellie, do people say a lot. At least 99% of the reactions have been positive, so I have that going for me.  It’s hard enough to read thousands of comments, but if they were negative, I would likely be reading them from the corner, in the fetal position while sucking my thumb.

Since I am swimming in a sea of post-conference reports and tweets, I know that I’m not going to get around to writing a glowing post about my wonderful weekend. Therefore, I have decided to use visuals to describe how stellar my trip was.

This is what I found on my bed in San Diego after a hard day of work at the conference, which was also the night before I would be speaking in front of thousands of people. Nervous poop much? Thank goodness the convention center was big enough that I had entire bathrooms to myself. I digress. Those are rose petals left by my roommates. And, see that pillow on the right? That was personalized for me by one of them too.

This is what I found on my unmade bed, when I returned to Ohio. This is my dog’s “baby”. It is covered in dirt, fur and hardened dog slobber.

And that, boys and girls, sums up my conference experience quite well.

My husband comes from a family of poker players. A family gathering isn’t complete without a Texas Hold-’em tournament…or two.

One of their favorite games is Omaha Hi Low. If you’ve never played it, it can get confusing. Actually, even if you have played it, it can get confusing. Trust me.

What you need to know is that it can be a split game. It’s always good to have a high hand, because it can win the whole pot or half the pot if there is a low hand that qualifies. A qualifying low hand is one where all five of your cards are under an eight and the cards can’t be paired. The best low hand is Ace through 5, which can also be a high hand. See? Confusing.

Why am I explaining this to you? Because my last week has been one constant game of Omaha High Low. Let’s review, shall we?

Royal Flush – I find out that I was chosen to speak at the BlogHer ’11 Conference Community Keynote. This is like the blogging equivalent of the Oscar…or the Heisman…depending on what you’re into.

Three 3′s and two 2′s – I realize that being chosen to speak at the Community Keynote means that I have to stand onstage, in front of thousands of people. It appears to be a low hand, but it ends up winning the pot as a high one.

4 of a Kind – I am picked for three, big, exciting campaigns, two of which may benefit my local community.

Ace through 4…and a 9 – Two campaigns are set to be unveiled (and therefore WORKED ON) the week before I attend the BlogHer ’11 Conference where I will do my job on Twitter with 30,000 people following what I say and where I will speak (again with the thousands of people). Almost a low hand, but not quite.

Straight Flush – A friend of mine, who knows I have been either sleeping on our couch or on top of six pillows because our 30 year old mattress hurts my back, tells me she’s going to make it her mission to win me a new bed. AND SHE DOES! I had to promise to give up liquor and Ambien, so you KNOW I want it bad.

2 through 6 – I check email only to find out that my daughter’s summer camp starts in three days. Two days after her softball tournament and one day after a big event I’m planning for a sponsor. Camp involves laundry, last minute supplies, packing for a week and driving her out of town. All while I’m doing that Twitter stuff, and my regular job and planning these three campaigns. What? Oh, I’m going to a conference next week? The one where people fret over what they’ll wear and how good their business cards look and making sure your shoes are stylish AND comfortable. Oh, and I’m speaking? And, there’s stuff to fill out for that? And, I may want to get my roots done, and wax my eyebrows and have you seen my feet? There needs to be a pedicure.

Flush – My daughter’s softball team wins their league championship and the tournament.

2 through 5…and a 7 – The games are in 100 degree heat, my old dog gets overheated on her walk, sees a trash truck (which she is terrified of), falls over and pees all over herself, my son gets a booger and it makes him vomit and then I trip over the reins of one of those horse heads on a stick.

Ace through 5 – I realize that despite being so busy that my head feels like it’s going to pop off, I will live through all of it, see good friends along the way, experience something I have only dreamed about, then sleep in a fabulous new bed.

No matter how you look at it, I win.

So, there was this post on BlogHer’s Own Your Beauty page yesterday about authenticity and the things that make us stand out as individuals. I kept thinking about it, wondering what makes me unique. Other than my Lebanese nose (read: Jamie Farr), how am I different? It was harder than I thought to come up with a list of 25 things that aren’t typical.

I think women spend a lot of time trying to look like one another, but it is our unique traits that make us beautiful. Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m not going to stop dying my hair, but maybe I won’t worry so much about that darned chipped tooth.

1. I have big hands.

2. I have big feet. Size 11, to be exact. But, you know what? They’re pretty.

3. I hate to fly.

4. I hate to drive long distances almost as much as I hate flying.

5. I’m convinced I will die a tragic death. Probably in an airplane crash or a car accident.

6. I take Zoloft for anxiety.

7. Coffee, chocolate, peanut butter and beer are my four food groups.

8. I don’t mind all of the scars on my body, because they all have a memory associated with them. Good or bad. Even this one.

9. I shave every day. My legs, that is. I can’t stand the feel of hair against clothing. *shudder*

10. I save articles from magazines and newspapers for my daughter to read when she’s old enough to move out. Things that I hope will keep her informed and safe.

11. I think it is disgusting when people bite their nails.

12. I bite my nails.

13. I also pick at my cuticles constantly (see above re: anxiety).

14. I hate elevators.

15. And, carnations.

16. I am terrified of cats (not kittens, but the full-grown, sneaky, pouncing, scratchy kind).

17. I have a cowlick on the back of my head. In the 4th grade, I cut it off because it wouldn’t lay flat for school picture day. It looked delightful growing back.

18. I open my mouth and throw my head back when I laugh. Probably so everyone behind me can see my cowlick and everyone in front of me can see my fillings.

19. You know how people have those camping chairs in a bag that they lug to fireworks or their kids’ baseball games? Well, I still use a good, old-fashioned lawn chair. The kind with the interwoven straps.20. I’m good at painting walls and never need tape.

21. My musical tastes range from Joni Mitchell to Black Eyed Peas.

22. I’m tone deaf. Well, not really…because I can actually hear that I can’t carry a tune.

23. I constantly have songs stuck in my head and they will change at the drop of a hat. Someone says the word “prerogative” and it’s suddenly all Bobby Brown up in here. You’re welcome.

24. My favorite flavor of popsicle is banana.

25. I have a crooked smile.

Now it’s your turn. What makes you different boys and girls?

I know two ways you could be different…you could be the winner of a $100 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods courtesy of BlogHer and sponsored by Gatorade or the winner of a $100 gift card to Best Buy courtesy of BlogHer and sponsored by Samsung.

Let’s talk a little bit about social media, shall we?

Mom, I’m going to get into the Twitter conversation now, so go ahead and turn off your computer. Wait…you don’t have a computer. Put down the paper with the blog posts I printed for you.

I have been working in social media for almost seven months now; which pretty much makes me an expert. It’s like that whole dog years thing, but don’t ask me to do the math.

My job is the best job in the world. Just ask me and I’ll tell you. Only, please don’t ask me when my husband is around because he isn’t living his dream of being a mean math teacher and I am sitting on the sofa with my feet propped up on the coffee table, reading the thoughts of brilliant people all across the web, occasionally stopping to hug my kids or pet the dog. This is a day at my office.

But this really isn’t about my job or how I make my husband jealous. This is about how I got here. This is for anyone who doubts the power of Twitter.

Just over a year ago, a childhood friend of mine held a conference here in Columbus for pet bloggers. Have you ever heard of BlogPaws? You should have heard about it. Well, unless you hate puppies and kittens…in which case you need to 1) Have your head examined and 2) Stay away from my children. You and your mean, hateful soul.

Though I occasionally write about my pets, I’m not really a pet blogger. Nor am I a mommy blogger, a tech blogger or any other niche blogger, but that’s another post entirely; title to be “Who the Heck AM I?” My point is that I didn’t know anyone at the conference. I talked to a few people in the lobby and I mingled with some folks in the bar, but I didn’t want to barge in on conversations between people who had wanted to meet each other for years.

Other than my childhood friend, who was kind of busy running the whole thing, the only other person I was remotely familiar with, and that I knew would be there, was the woman who would be giving the keynote speech, Elisa Camahort Page. Elisa is one of the founders and the C.O.O. of BlogHer, Inc. If you are a blogger, you already know that. She’s kind of a big deal.

I had never met Elisa, but I am a member the BlogHer ad network. That makes me kind of like Elisa’s honorary kin. Yee haw! I sent out a tweet saying, @ElisaC I can’t wait to meet you and hear your keynote speech. Well, it said something like that. You can’t really go back and search old tweets with great consistency. (Side note: This sometimes makes my job difficult and I would appreciate if one of you smart people would hurry up and develop something for that.)

After quite a few more tweets, I met Elisa. We had lunch together, I cried during her keynote speech (see above comments regarding puppies and kittens) and sat with her during a cocktail party that evening. I soaked in her brilliance. Then I went home.

Would I have met Elisa without Twitter? Probably. But, before I ever shook her hand, the ice had been broken. She knew what I looked like, she knew bits of my personality and she knew my sense of humor. I knew she was wicked smart, that she was a vegan and that she loved the theater. I was less intimidated meeting someone with whom I had already had numerous “conversations”.

And, a few months after that, when I took to Twitter and mentioned that I was looking for part-time work, saying something like, Looking for additional part-time job. My work history is in the now-defunct mortgage biz, I have a huge gap on my resume and I work in a school kitchen. Call me.

Guess who did?

Elisa.

The amazing C.O.O. of the largest community of women who blog (25+ million unique visitors a month – Nielson NetRatings) is now my boss and, for certain, I wouldn’t have the job without Twitter, because I never would have considered reaching out to BlogHer. Not a chance.

Instead, I put myself out there for the world to see. Okay, maybe not the world, but for my 2500 followers. So, it’s more like I put myself out there for a small, rural town. But, wow, are these townspeople awesome.

So, see…I am kind of a social media expert. I know that you have to be in this space in today’s culture, that you should let your personality come through in your tweets and that you need to put your desires out there. If there is something you want, just ask for it. You never know who is listening.

And, you never know…you just might get exactly what you’ve been dreaming of.