Me:

*wakes up, looks at clock, reads 4:00 AM*

I hope I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours. *stares at ceiling* Maybe I should just get up now and write a blog post. Or, I could work…yes, I should work, because I’ll be in Dayton for a writing workshop later this week and I’ll get behind because I’ll be off for a couple of days.

I feel so guilty that I’m missing my husband’s birthday because I’m going to be in Dayton. I wonder if it’s too late to cancel. Maybe we can celebrate his birthday tomorrow. I need to make a cake and get him a present. Oh, today is the dog’s birthday! I need to go to the store and get her some doggie ice cream. And, we need toilet paper. And, Zone bars.

But, I don’t have to do those things today. I do have to go to the post office and call two doctor’s offices and the health insurance company. Health. Sigh. I should get up and go to the gym right now. No, sleep is more important. I should sleep. Maybe I’ll lie on my side. Ouch, not on that side! Dang shoulder.

*snuggles up comfortably on other side* I’ll probably fall asleep and wake up in 20 minutes and have to pee. I should go pee now, but I’m so comfortable. Though, it’s a little warm under here. Am I sweating? I think I’m sweating. *throws blankets off* Well, I’m not comfortable anymore. I guess I’ll go pee.

*washes hands* Wow, my hands are dry. I could really use a manicure. And, a pedicure for that matter. But, we’re broke so I’ll have to do it myself. Yes, I’ll give myself a pedicure tonight. Oh, and wax my eyebrows. What am I going to wear in Dayton?

That reminds me, my daughter needs a costume for her school play next week. I love The Music Man. I can’t wait to see her singing, “Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep, cheep, cheep…”

*looks at clock, reads 5:18 AM*

“Pick a little, talk a little…” Great. Well, at least it got rid of that Barney song that another mom was singing at my daughter’s softball game last night. Oh, there’s a double-header on Saturday and I won’t be here. I need to pack a bag for my husband so he’s not stranded at the ball field with a bored nine year old. And, warm clothes and umbrellas, because it’s supposed to rain. Oh, and snacks. I can’t forget to get those Zone bars…

My husband:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Follow

Email

One of my son’s many quirks is that he takes everything literally. Literally.

To him, “The rain is falling in sheets” means exactly that; water-filled bedsheets, falling from the sky. Butterflies in stomachs, bulls in china shops, and saying that someone is in the same boat, have all lead to lengthy discussions about figurative speech.

So, does anyone want to guess what happened when he was reading “Socks” by Beverly Cleary and I told him to put his socks down the laundry chute?

Follow

Email

No, not that kind of coming out! If there is anything to be gleaned from watching Josh Duhamel movies, it is that I am completely heterosexual. Okay, that’s probably the only thing to be gleaned from watching Josh Duhamel movies. I digress.

Almost a year ago, I had some routine blood-work done that showed my “bad” cholesterol was in the 260’s. For all of you 20-something readers, that’s high. Also, it’s been nice having you read my blog.

Truth be told, I was eating horribly; lots of fried, high-fat food and hardly any fruits or vegetables. I thought I could bring the numbers down by changing my diet. When my doctor asked, “What are we going to do about this cholesterol?”

I said, “I’m going to lose some weight!”

I don’t know if you know this, but you can’t just say, “I’m going to lose some weight” and have the weight come off. I’m sorry to break that to you. As a matter of fact, if you take a full-time job that has you sitting at your desk for long hours and working a lot of overtime, you will actually gain weight. Yep. It’s true.

Starting last September I really did try to change my diet, and in January I started working out about six times per week. I was making real changes, because the cancer in my family lit a fire under my patootie. I’m 40 now. I use words like “cholesterol” in blog posts. It was time.

When I went back to my doctor for a blood test in early February, I was sure these changes would be reflected in my numbers. Were they ever! My cholesterol went UP to nearly 290. It was awesome to hear that; almost as awesome as jumping off a two-story building and landing on your kneecaps.

My doctor said, “You’re building plaque as we sit here” and gave me two options; either take a statin drug every day, for the rest of my life, or drastically (and without moderation) alter my diet. When I asked him what that meant he said, “You’d have to go vegan.”

As in, no more butter. Ever.

It took me exactly two seconds to agree to try it. I have long said that I could easily be a vegetarian and when I pictured what was happening inside my body, the change was easy. Have I craved a nice, cheesy pizza? Yes. Is the cheesy pizza worth heart disease? No. I also know it isn’t good to drink alcohol while taking statins and if you ask me whether I’d rather give up animal products or beer, well…it’s not really a question at all.

I’m 11 weeks in to this lifestyle change and if my numbers are low enough after my next blood test, I can go off the prescription. Also, if that happens you’ll see me walking around with my arms in the air, like Rocky, for about a week. I’ll be the one yelling, “I WIN!”

Of course, not everyone has to take such drastic measures; I’m just lucky like that. I made my family cheeseburgers last night. Tonight, they’re having pork roast; tomorrow, barbecued chicken. You get the idea.

I, however, eat a lot of this:

So there, I’ve come out with it. Unless I’m miraculously approved to once again become a carnivore, you can refer to me as a vegan. Or, Rocky. Either one.

Follow

Email

So it has come to this.

That is my microwave with a rock glued to it.

Last week the door wouldn’t open and we were all, “What are we going to do with all of these bags of popcorn if we can’t open the microwave door?” We started using a screwdriver to pry the door open, but a screwdriver on your kitchen counter is not all that aesthetically appealing; unless, of course, it’s made of vodka and orange juice.

I thought maybe it was time to start scouring Craigslist or looking at scratch-and-dents at the local Sears outlet (because that’s how I roll), but my husband had other ideas. He went all Harry Home-Repairman on me and took it upon himself to…well…glue a rock to the door. When you hit the DOOR OPEN button and pull on the rock, I must admit, the door opens pretty well.

In his defense, he thought the rock would look nice. And, I happen to think the glue that was left to drip down adds a nice touch.

But, truth be told, I keep thinking about how I could hide a screwdriver when company comes over.

Follow

Email