This is a table in the corner of our basement where my husband makes his own wine. It is a step-by-step process that I will, someday, outline here for all of the people who have asked. Probably right around the time that I take that trip to Tahiti. Which is to say, don’t go holding your breath.

Winemaking isn’t difficult, but it is time consuming. It involves letting very gross stuff happen to your fruit, then straining and wringing that gross stuff through a basketball jersey (WAY classier than cheesecloth and less likely to fall apart), mixing in sugar water, capping it and, as my father-in-law says, “letting it work” for a while. Months, actually.

See that sludgy looking stuff at the top of some of the jugs? That’s “working”. I promise that you don’t drink chunks of fuzzy fruit. Have you ever seen someone syphon gas? There’s some of that involved to separate the liquid. I don’t do that part, just in case those puffs of sludge travel through the tube. *shudder*

If you’re going to make wine, you have to be patient and not vomit at the sight, smell or feel of fermented fruit. This is why I will drink the peach wine, but I will not help make it.

My husband learned how to make wine because his parents taught him and every day they have a glass in the late afternoon. I love knowing that when my husband and I are their age, we can toast them with an old family recipe.

Of course, that one glass they have is equal to about three glasses of “regular” alcoholic wine. The homemade stuff is quite strong and I’ve had more than one batch that tasted like nail polish remover. But, boy do you sleep! Plus, you can just breathe on your nails and the polish comes off. Bonus!

We once had to walk a friend home after she had a few glasses. She will always be quick to say, “I walked TO your house!” but she forgets that she didn’t need help getting here. Every time my mom has half a glass of our wine, she starts to cry. So, we have that going for us.

I wonder if she has noticed that we keep “forgetting” to bring it to dinner.

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Here are a few things to remember when you go to a “Dynamic Duos” costume party as Amy Winehouse and her 10,000 ML bottle of vodka.

1. If you dye your blond hair, black, it will come out gray.

2. A borrowed Snookie wig will help.

3. Not everyone knows that Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. Actually, pretty much, NO ONE knows that. You may have a lot of explaining to do.

4. If you wrap your husband in posterboard, don’t forget a flap for bathroom breaks, as you may get odd looks at the party when you take a steak knife to his groin.

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On Tuesday night I went to bed early because I had to get up at 4:00am on Wednesday. After one-and-a-half Ambien, I was snoozing at, roughly, 9:30pm.

My husband was at a hockey game, so when I started getting ready to hit the hay (at 8:15…because that’s how long it takes a woman to actually move from the couch to bed when there are a dozen obstacles in her way…oh, for instance, like her 12 year old’s paper on kangaroo rats) I sent my husband a text telling him he had a short “honey-do” list waiting on the kitchen counter. It should be noted, that this is something I never do.

The list said:

1. Please fold the clothes in the dryer to the best of your ability.

2. Put the clothes from the washer into the dryer.

3. Throw the towels we use for the dogs into the washer, with lots of detergent, bleach and hot water.

When I woke, long before the sun had risen, I went to finish the laundry he had started, only to find that he had already done it. TWO loads of laundry were folded and stacked on the dining room table instead of just one.

When he got out of bed I asked, “What got into you?”

Which is when any impression that he had done it out of the goodness of his heart was vanquished when he replied, “Because, now you won’t be able to say that I haven’t done a single load of laundry in 16 years.”

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Some of you may remember that one of the items on my Life List is to run a 1/2 marathon. I had wanted to run the one here next weekend, but it turns out that I got my dream job working for a company who kept me very busy during the summer months. Training for a 1/2 in August and September was out of the question.

Once things settled down at work, my husband announced that he would help me meet my goal. He looked right past the fact that I had been sitting for, virtually, months and hadn’t even thought about increasing my heart rate since the spring. He said that if we start now, I should be able to run a 1/2 marathon by May. I still have my doubts.

My suggestion for anyone who wants to get their body in motion after a long sabbatical? Insist that a friend or your spouse kick you out of the house and make you start running. Also, have them tell you that you’re doing great and that you’ll look better with a smaller butt. It needs to be a person to whom you can say that you simultaneously love and hate them for what they’re doing.

If you’re overweight and out of shape, like me, it won’t be easy, but you can do it! I have even put some tips together for you as you pound the pavement. If you are a gym rat, you can skip this section.

1. Running in the rain is great. It keeps you cool and the trail is virtually empty. The fewer people to see you huffing and puffing.

2. Never trust a fart.

3. If you look gross in compression pants, add shorts over them. Though, keep in mind, this will not stop the shorts from riding up and you’ll look gross anyway…maybe even more so, as you pull fabric from your nether regions.

4. If you tend to get winded, run with a dog. They have to poop sometimes and you’ll get a little break.

5. Take ibuprofen as soon as you get home.

6. Your running route should go past a fire station. There are defibrillators there.

7. Walk and catch your breath when there’s no one around. Sprint when you pass the soccer fields filled with hundreds of people.

8. Don’t let your inhaler prescription expire. Trust me.

9. Invest in good shoes. In the right size. If you wear an 11, admit you wear an 11 and that you are really an evil-stepsister and not Cinderella.

10. Look at pictures of your in-shape friends on Facebook before you head out for your run. Curse them with each step.

Keep it up, no matter what! With a little luck and a lot of work, you will be able to run a whole 8/10th of a mile, just like me!

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