On yesterday’s Oprah, Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Michael Roizin made an appearance to tell us we are doing things all wrong, and that our bodies are paying the price. If my body is paying a price, it’s forked out a good $1 million.

First, the doctors pulled some nice ladies out of the audience who had given information regarding their diet, exercise and lifestyle.

After that, Dr. Oz showed us how to do a pull-up. But really, who doesn’t know how to do a pull-up? I can do not even one like 20 of them.

Then Dr. Oz and Dr. Oprah gave very clear instructions on vitamin intake, because 99% of people don’t get enough of them. Follow closely…

* Take a calcium supplement, but not unless you take it along with magnesium. Calcium alone will constipate you…or as Oprah said, “It’s like having a child”.

* You also need DHA type Omega 3. But, if you can’t find that, you could substitute it with LRS type Alpha 2, or even BZN type Kappa Theta Delta Delta Delta.

* Take vitamin D in case you don’t get enough sun. This includes the entire state of Ohio, October through May.

* If you are over the age of 40, take two baby aspirin. I find these are particularly beneficial if taken with a margarita.

* Split your multi vitamins in half. Take one in the morning, one in the evening and one after watching Dr. Oz on Oprah.

* But there’s more… pre-menopausal women need iron in their multi-vitamin, and no more than 5000 IU of vitamin A. IU stands for International Unit and is completely different than Domestic Unit. Confused? Just wait. Men and post-menopausal women, do not need the iron and shouldn’t get any more than 2500 IU of vitamin A.

They did not give instructions for post-menopausal MEN, because that’s a whole different Oprah show.

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–The Beautiful People amazingly found an enormous food supply, walkie-talkies, guns, strange tunnels and hidden rooms filled with static-laden televisions and big syringes. But, on the downside they also found polar bears and a big, black cloud that mysteriously kills people.

All the while, there were numbers everywhere.

The Others.

As nice as you would expect people named The Others to be. They did bad things, like kidnap and gag the Beautiful People, who were then taken to cages where they had to do pet tricks for fish biscuits.

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Alas, the Beautiful People could not be held down! They schemed, planned and talked about being rescued by Penny’s boat. Only it was NOT Penny’s boat.

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Even though it wasn’t Penny’s boat, people still showed up to save them from The Others, and the polar bears, and the big black cloud.

–No, not those people, but some other ones.

But, when one of the rescuers saw the Beautiful People he said, ”Rescuing your people? I can’t really say it’s our primary objective.” Ruh Roh!

Boys and girls, I would like to tell you that this fairy tale ends well and that the Beautiful People lived happily ever after…but, I can’t. As much as this fairy tale has sucked me in…I can’t tell you how it ends, because unfortunately I’m still LOST.

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There has been an abundance of reporting on the Hollywood writer’s strike lately. Because of the strike, last night’s Golden Globes, which is usually a spectacular, star-studded affair, was hosted from a podium. The lavish dinner and drinks were never made, the designer gowns and jewels stayed stashed in their closets, and America was left with an awards ceremony resembling a college lecture. Though, it’s likely that an economics dissertation would’ve been more interesting.

But for me, last night was a wonderful evening of television. Because, my name is Momo and I’m a reality TV-oholic.

One of my favorite reality shows is The Amazing Race, which airs on Sunday nights. This is why I had no idea that The Golden Globes were being presented homeroom style.

The Amazing Race is a race around the world. It puts pairs of people in situations where they’re forced to complete tasks indigenous to the locale. While in Africa, they had to milk camels, and in Croatia, they had to row boats through the Adriatic Sea. You get the idea. The competitors are usually exhausted from flying from continent to continent, and there’s almost always a language barrier. The grand prize is $1 million, and these people WANT THAT MONEY. This race is like watching the human being’s equivalent of a train wreck.

Last night’s show saw the departure of Jen and Nathan, a couple who ran the race to see if their relationship could withstand the pressure. Considering that they admit not being able to stand each other when they first met, and that they’ve broken up numerous times in the last couple of years, this was a lofty goal. Jen was known for her kind words to Nathan like, “I hate you with a passion” and “I can’t stand you right now”. They were eliminated when they were the last team to arrive and check in with the host, Phil Koeghan.

The show is now down to the last three pairs of contestants, who will compete in the final leg on the season finale. Let’s meet the finalists…

This is Ron and Christina, a father/daughter team who are trying to bond. It seems Ron wasn’t around much while Christina was growing up, and when he was finally ready to play Dad, Christina was busy getting her degrees from Duke AND Princeton.

This is TK and Rachel. They are dread-heads, and are all about peace and harmony. TK never raises his voice, despite Rachel’s dumb mistakes. Of all the stops on the race route, I believe Amsterdam was their favorite.
This is Nicolas and Donald. A Grandson/Grandfather pair. Don is the oldest competitor ever to make it to the final three. And, despite being 45 years older than his grandson, he has taken on some of the more strenuous tasks, such as riding in an underwater Jeep, and lifting heavy rocks. All while his grandson stands nearby with words of encouragement like, “Pick up the pace there Don”.

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Clear signs that I’m getting old…

* I get mad when my paper isn’t on the doorstep by 7:00 AM

* I scan the obituaries in said paper

* I get excited that the grocery store has Super-Double-Coupons

* The subject line in the e-mails I send to my friends no longer say things like “party” or “BYOB”, but instead say things like, “Fiber”, “Shredded Wheat” and “Lactose Intolerant”

* In 10 years, my daughter will be nineteen

* I know the phone number to my pharmacy by heart

* My older sister is a grandmother

* I turn on MTV and say things like, “What is this crap?”

* After playing on the floor with my kids, I make odd, and quite audible, noises when I get up

* And lastly, because I can relate to this…

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator. I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in with, “Sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up, or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem…knock on wood.” Then she rapped her knuckles on the table and said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

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