I just finished reading the latest copy of U.S. News & World Report. This is simply one indication of my age. Not only do I read it, I subscribe to it. I am old.

The cover story in this latest issue is 50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2008. Here are a few of their suggestions…and what I think of them.

1. Try open water swimming.
Just a few days ago, I read about Vibrio Vulnificus, a bacteria found in salt water which can invade any open sore on your body and lead to amputations and death. Open water swimming? I think not.

2. Cut back on corn.
Had they said this would improve the life of my sewer line, I might have bought it.

3. Waltz your way to better fitness.
And where exactly will I find someone to waltz with? Unless Tony Romo was his dancing partner, my husband would rather stick hot needles in his eyes.

4. Give a healthcare giftcard.
This seems nothing more than a slap in the face. “Hi. You seem old, sick and frail and I doubt you’ll be around to blow the candles out on your cake next year. Here’s a little something to help pay those doctor bills. Oh, and happy birthday!”

5. Read an international newspaper.
I have a hard enough time reading what the American media has to say, do I really need to cross a border for more of the same?

6. Get a raise.
Oh! Okay! Just like that.

7. Avoid recalls. Make your own toys.
Ingesting lead would hurt my children less than the toys I would make.

8. Avoid air travel delays.
Getting that raise would be easier.

9. Knit like a hipster.
What does that even mean? What am I supposed to knit? A peace symbol? A poem? A beatnik afghan?

10. Yawn.
Done.

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I just told my daughter that I needed a cheery and light-hearted idea for a blog post. I mentioned that things get chaotic this time of year, and people may need something to make them stop and smile.

She said, “Well, why don’t you talk about how stressed you are at work? Or, how you were so busy yesterday, that you ate chocolate-covered popcorn for lunch?” (Okay, in my defense it was the only food we had at the office. Well…that and Triscuits, which should really only be fed to a cow, because technically they’re nothing more than weaved hay.)

I told her that talking about my stress and poor eating habits wouldn’t qualify as light-hearted.

She then suggested, “How about telling everyone about how I’m reading the Diary of Anne Frank?”

I’m thinking she doesn’t quite get what I’m going for.

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I just heard The Twelve Days of Christmas on the radio. I’m pretty sure that most people would want gift receipts on everything but the five gold rings. There isn’t any doubt that a bunch of people leaping, dancing, drumming, piping, and milking would drive me more crazy than I already am…and I can’t get much crazier.

And, who in their right mind wants 23 birds?

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