I Had a Colonoscopy

posted by Momo Fali on July 30, 2012

Within hours of putting up my last post, I was in the hospital. You can’t make this stuff up, people.

It started with a dull ache on my lower right side and ended with sharp pain in the same spot that spread across my belly. I went to the ER thinking that I had an appendicitis or kidney stone and ended up being admitted so that I could prep for a colonoscopy. Yippee!

Everything you’ve ever heard about a colonscopy is true. The prep is the worst part, but what no one tells you is that IT’S NOT THAT BAD. I drink an entire bottle of Miralax powder mixed into frozen Gatorade and thanks to the Dilaudid I was on, I thought I was drinking a slushie.

Of course, that didn’t work because my bowels? They are stubborn. So at 4:00am I drank Golytely (pronounced, Go Lightly, because someone has a sick sense of humor) mixed with iced-down Shasta. At this point I had been up for 48 hours, was hopped up on pain meds and was very thirsty. Golytely went down (and out) without a problem. You’re welcome.

The colonscopy itself? Who cares! After Versed and Demorol you’ll look like this when they wheel you in.

What is that thing hanging from the ceiling? You’re going to put that in my innards? Okay!

Another thing no one tells you (and this could be because they’re too embarrassed, but I’ve already said, “innards” so I obviously have no shame) is that you will have intestines full of air when you are done. My step-mom told me I’d be gassy, but that term doesn’t really do it justice. I’ll just say that I’m glad I didn’t have a roommate, or visitors, and that my husband is, quite possibly, the most understanding man on the planet (who, for the record, canceled a THIRD trip out of town because of MY medical emergencies) (he wins for best husband).

All in all, the colonoscopy wasn’t the horrible experience people seem to think it is. I even got to hallucinate a little bit!

My pain was diagnosed as an inflammatory bowel flare-up. I don’t have Crohn’s, or cancer, or anything awful. The doctor said it was likely brought on by stress and told me to start meditating, and breathing, and stop clenching my teeth. I said, “Give me more Dilaudid and we’ll talk.”

So, I have a counter full of new medicines to take (for now) and I was cleared for travel to New York in a couple of days.

And now? Katie Couric and I totally have something to talk about.

    Comments

  • Mama Meerkat


    I’m glad that nothing awful is wrong!

    I spent my 18th birthday getting a colonoscopy (one of many), and I was totally loopy all. Those are some strong drugs!

  • Tara R.


    Being officially old, I’ve had a colonoscopy too. You’re right, the prep is the worst part. So glad you were cleared of anything awful and are good to go to NYC.

  • Dumb {Squared}


    Glad to hear you’re okay.

    Is this the new coming of age thing?

  • Mom Off Meth


    Sorry you are going through pain.

    I know women with many years of sobriety who look forward to their colonoscopies because it is a legal buzz!! I have not walked down that road yet.

    Thanks for taking the fear out of it….wait…did you? Not sure. Be well.

  • Patty


    Im so glad the colonoscopy revealed something that can be taken care with meds and relaxation. Have a safe trip and good luck with this busy week. {{{hugs}}}

  • Arnebya


    Holy crap on a stick. I’m glad it’s not something more and that you got to have a good hallucinatory trip. I will admit, though, that your “it’s not that bad” did nothing to assuage the “You’re going to put that in my innards?”.

  • Ang


    Um. Wow and yuk and I am so glad you at least got some pain relief for the whole ordeal! Very appreciative for the comic relief! Anyone who can post hospital gown in bed pics with tubes has some ‘nads. Just sayin’ You rock!
    Now go relax. πŸ™‚

  • Debbie Morgan


    Holy cow! So glad you will be ok to travel!
    Praise Dilaudid!!

  • Linda Muschott


    Wow Di!! Happy to hear you’re getting better!!! We will continue good thoughts and many prayers for you take care πŸ˜€ …. (((HUGS))) PEACE&LOVE:)

  • anymommy


    So glad you’re okay!!

  • Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]


    We’re pretty much butt twins.

  • Kat


    My husband has to get colonoscopies rather often (his mom died of bowel cancer) and you’re right the prep work is so awful. The first time he had to clear out his system I offered to instal a seatbelt on the toilet. Cause I am helpful like that.

  • Melisa


    I knew you did it on purpose to get to Katie. Grrrr….

    πŸ™‚

  • Leila


    Jesus, woman, you totally CAN’T make this stuff up! You look zonked to all hell up there! Which is a state of mind I usually aim for but I try to use less drastic methods…

    I am so glad it is not cancer or Crohn’s or anything that is going to take you to hell and back – but not for nothing, stress, as you already know, is a bitch and a half. So dial it down a bit, lady!!! (This from a woman who thinks Klonopin is part of a healthy morning breakfast…)

    Hang in there. And fart away m’dear. We’ll still love you.

  • lceel


    I had a colonoscopy a few years back. Apparently, one has a tendency to talk through the whole thing – or at least I did. Also, apparently, family secrets were exposed – and the nurses did nothing but smile big, toothy grins after it, whenever they came into my room.

    I haven’t been back since.

  • tracey


    Girl, if ANYone deserves a trip to NYC, It’s YOU.

    SO glad it’s not anything more serious. Stop clenching your teeth, m’kay?

  • vicki


    Funny even in the hospital girl. You rock.

  • mare ball


    I thought my colonoscopy was wonderful. They gave me propofol, and I understood why Michael Jackson became addicted. A drug-free life is overrated. The prep wasn’t even bad. I think the process has improved over the years. So glad you had no serious issues!

  • Junk Drawer Kathy


    You really know how to party, Diane.

  • Liz


    PHEW! I am so glad THAT’S over (not as much as you are, I’m sure) here’s to good times and many, many, many gas-less days ahead. You deserve it. Heck, I’ll even share Katie with you.

  • Rhea


    Glad the pain pills got you through it. And that it wasn’t too bad. Scary though, and I’m glad everything is okay! Whew.

  • Always Home and Uncool


    A few rounds with me this weekend should surely de-stress you. And by rounds, I mean 12-packs.

  • Tracy @ Ascending Butterfly


    This year has been a medical nightmare for me as well, sorry you went through that, but now I’m seriously scared if you can get IBF flare ups from clenching your teeth! πŸ˜‰

    I’m a BlogHer Volunteer this year, so hopefully we can actually meet in person and share dilaudid stories!

  • Laura in Little Rock


    Yeah. My colonoscopy, I ended up wide awake pouring sweat, shivering, miserable at about 2a in my bathroom at home and the G.I. doctor, yeah, I don’t even have his after-hours number. Hubs has to call my regular doc and get her opinion. That morning, in the hospital, they won’t do my colonoscopy until they draw blood to determine I’m not pregnant. Doesn’t matter that I _KNOW_ I’m not pregnant, I haven’t even ovulated in that cycle yet, but since I don’t take oral birth control (cardiovascular risk in the family), they won’t start the damn procedure until after they stab me with more needles. Um, exactly how many women that TAKE birth control that you know end up accidentally pregnant?!? I just get to hang out on the gurney, thoroughly pissed and uncomfortable…. and not pregnant. Did not win patient of the year award that day.
    Glad all is well. and your hub is Husband of the Year.

  • Anna Hettick


    Yikes!! I am sorry you are not feeling well and having to go through all this!!!

    I hope you are feeling tons better and are taking it easy!! =)

  • AlisonH


    And you’re still smiling. That picture is you. You’re wonderful. Best wishes and have a wonderful trip!

    I got a letter from the local community hospital a few years ago, starting out all friendly-like, wanting to take good care of me, you know, letting me know they had a new cancer center and then (ominous tones creeping in) I was past 50 now, they knew, and so, given the statistics, I should have a colonoscopy at their new and perfect facility if I wanted to live a long and healthy life…

    I have never been a patient there. They did not have my records. It was the place across town that had done my big Crohn’s surgery the year before. We laughed and laughed and laughed… Oh yeah, colon cancer, definitely gonna get me!

    Not. Silly people.

  • Karen (@mom-mom-mom)


    So relieved that you are okay! I was roto-rootered 15 years ago WHILE WIDE AWAKE! And you are right, the gas is the worst part: My ass sounded like an entire trombone section of a high school marching band.

    • Wanda


      Karen, now that is hilarious. Mine sounds like that on a regular basis, not with just a procedure

      • Wanda


        My family physician had to check my butt for the first time. I told him we were about to get up close and personal for the first time. He had to examine me because I was having such pain and that horrible drink did me no good. I still had something that was there. I was too embarrassed. He has seen many butts but not mine.

  • Wanda


    I have had at least 2-3 colonoscopy’s. The drink is horrible but you are right, you have to take something flavorable with it. My best friend was there with me as I had to pass the gas but I did it and we both just laughed.

    Hope you are better. I am now dealing with diverticulitis, an infection with antibiotics that have horrible side effects.

  • Kailynn


    I had my first colonoscopy my freshman year of college. I distinctly remember being amazed by the lights on the ceiling afterwards, and being concerned that I would spill all of my deep dark secrets to the doc and my parents while loopy.

    I hope you’re feeling better!

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