Last week, my husband dropped off some homegrown tomatoes at my mom’s house and she asked him to look at her dog’s belly, where she had felt something…odd. When he came home he said, “There’s something wrong with your mom’s dog. He has some weird growth on his stomach. I looked at it and it’s the strangest thing. It feels like a pencil.”

My mom, who is more attached to her dog than she is to her crossword puzzles – and that’s really saying something – called me the next day in tears. “Did you hear about Cappy? He has this hard growth and I don’t know what it is. I’m taking him to the vet tomorrow.”

Because it’s easy for me and my Zoloft to say, I reassured her. “Mom, don’t worry about it until you talk to the vet. It could just be a cyst. Blue had a whole bunch of them and they were nothing.” This didn’t do anything to alleviate her fears.

That evening I went to her house for dinner and offered to take a look at this thing. I was prepared to be grossed out because my sister had looked too, and she mentioned that it had an open sore.

But, it turned out that all the people who had already touched this thing were the ones who were grossed out, because that growth that felt like a pencil and had an opening – the growth that my mom, sister and husband had examined and touched? It was the dog’s penis.

And I will never let them live it down.



  • Headless Mom

    Oh.My.God. THAT? Is HYSTERICAL!!!!!


  • Amie

    Best. Blog post title. Ever.

  • lceel

    Meanwhile the dog is thinking to himself – “Maybe I can play this out for all it’s worth … Yeah … That’s the ticket … Just play along … This is better than Beggin’ Strips.

  • tracey

    I. I. I. I really cannot think of an appropriate comment. Is it a HAIRY dog or something?!?

  • UP

    As Jenny would say, “I have no words…”


  • Laura in Little Rock

    I love the whiplash of going from being an advocate for your child in one post to telling about the family dog molesters.

  • tara

    Hahah what the hell?! How did they just suddenly notice the dog’s penis and think it was a growth? Were they not paying attention the whole time, or did the dog swallow a whole bunch of Viagra? HILARIOUS post. I would never let them live that down either!

  • Brigid


  • Josanne

    Oh my, I did laugh out loud this morning when I read this!

  • Joan

    Thank you for my morning laugh! I’m still grinning!

  • Mare

    OMG, this is hilarious! It’s enough of a stretch that the women didn’t get it, but your husband was baffled too?!? I’m cracking up. Yeah, absolutely, they will never forget this!

  • Zak


    I want your family to adopt me, they are my people.

  • Michael Lombardi

    This is one of the craziest dogs things I’ve ever heard. How can people not know, or not know how to figure out, what a dog’s penis looks like? The >onlythat< is basically just as bad.

  • Arnebya

    I wonder if am a dog penis distinguisher. I DON’T OWN A DOG TO SEE!

  • Mindydana H

    Oh my stars! That is hilarious. I read the title. I read the blog post. I chuckled. Then I read the title again. And then I laughed. And laughed some more. Too, too funny!

  • Tricia Duncan

    OMG I wouldn’t either, I just cried a little.

  • Chrisor

    This might be the funniest dog related story I’ve EVER heard! The ending was NOT what I was expecting. How can 3 different people not know a dog penis when they see (feel?) one?! Ba ha ha! It’s a good thing you inspected this pencil or the vet would STILL be on the floor laughing. 😀

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