Finding Words

posted by Momo Fali on February 10, 2015

I hurt too much to write.

I have always been able to write through pain; through tumultuous teen years, an abusive relationship, my son’s illnesses, surgeries and social struggles, and through too many deaths to count. I have always been able to write.

But, six months ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce and now we are separated, and I still can’t find the words or where to even start.

© Mamz | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Mamz | Dreamstime Stock Photos

I guess I could write about the searing pain – of wailing and sobbing in my shower, screaming in my car, and crying every single day for months. I could tell you how I felt like my insides were torn from my body and my soul was ripped to shreds.

I could write about the anger I have felt, which has left me reacting about as inhuman as a person could. I have said the meanest things that have ever come out of my mouth.

I could write about the betrayal I feel and the deep sense of loss of the one person I thought would always be by my side. I could tell you how it feels worse than a death, because how can you mourn someone who is still there?

I could admit that I made mistakes, but I was always faithful and was willing to do anything to save my marriage. I would have found a way to make things better, to fight for my family, rebuild and honor the vows I made. I could tell you that he wasn’t willing to do the same.

I could tell you that my job and friends have saved my life, that I actually can’t bear to think about not being part of his family anymore, and that despite seeing the devastation that one person can cause, most people are actually good.

I could tell you how much I miss my dogs, the love of my life, and the world we built together.

I could say that moving on is a struggle of monumental proportions, but I am finding peace at times. I could tell you that retail therapy is a real thing, that it’s okay to have occasional panic attacks, and that you can still believe in fairy tales. Of course, you hope that the Beast becomes a prince and doesn’t stay a Beast, but everyone will appear to be Gaston; arrogant and back-stabbing

I could tell you that I will be okay. Someday. I don’t know if I will ever heal or if I will always feel this ache, or if this loss will always be the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night, but I will be okay.

I could tell you all of those things. Maybe one of these days, I’ll find the words.

    Comments

  • Melisa


    Love you.

  • sassymonkey


    *hugs* We love you.

  • Missy Stevens


    Oh, my heart. My prayers are with you and your kids. Keeping you in my thoughts!

  • Arnebya


    I love you. I’m glad you were able to get this bit out and know that one day, there will be more words, regardless of topic — whether it’s this moving on, new chapter, or itchy feet*. It won’t matter. We’ll be here. I’ll be here.

    *Itchy feet reference all mine, y’all. I have no intimate knowledge of Momo’s foots. I do, however, know Gold Bond medicated lotion.

  • Jenny from Mommin' It Up


    I will tell you that you are loved and prayed for.

  • Kathy


    thinking of you, all is true, pain doesn’t go away, it changes and maybe you will write about it, maybe you won’t, maybe you don’t have to.
    Hugs. And I grabbed a tissue after reading this.

  • Christina


    Oh, hon, great big hugs from me to you. You’re one of the last people who should have to go through this much hurt and loss, and I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. I hope the wounds will heal quickly and you’ll come out of this stronger and fiercer (more fierce? I need the grammar police in here) in the end.

  • Jenny Lauck


    Just love to you and the kids, Momo.

  • Liz


    And I’ll be right here, ready to cheer you on along with the rest of the people who love you and wish you nothing less than the best…in all things.

  • Lori


    I love you!!!

  • Tabatha


    I hear you, and I’m right there with you. Love you, friend.

  • Karen Sandoval


    I’m so glad you wrote it out.

    Honey, you took me back 16 years. Please trust me when I tell you that the pain will lessen. It will never completely leave you, but it does become manageable.

    Eventually you won’t cry when you think about him, and all this pain. You will look back on the happy years and always wonder “what the heck happened?”

    BUT! you will be stronger on the other side. You will know that your identity is not half of a relationship. You will know that no matter what, you survived THIS, and you can handle whatever life throws at you.

    One piece of advice… Sleep in the middle of the bed. xo

  • Greis


    So many hugs!

  • Mr Lady


    There’s a lot of bad in the world, a lot of awful crap that makes getting up and starting over every day harder than it ever should be. You’re one of the things that balances out that shit. You’re a light in so many peoples darkness and I wish this wasn’t happening to you. That’s the best I have.

  • Galit Breen


    I’m thinking about you. I just wanted you to know that there’s one more spot in the world that love and support is being sent your way from.

  • Trina


    I’m so sorry. ((hugs))

  • Kelli Martinelli


    Oh mama. I know this hurt. I was the one who left the marriage, but still, I know this hurt. And everything from this point on is healing. And from the healing there’s a return to health, and from health there’s joy. Please believe me that there is joy up ahead. Legitimate make-your-face-hurt-from-smiling joy. I have a small and supportive FB group for divorced mamas of all backgrounds. It’s a safe place to wail your eyes out and get all capslock on the everything. Please let me know if you’d like to be invited in. I highly recommend it. We’re sisters in at least this way, and sisterhood is another step in healing.

  • Jenni Chiu @ MommyNaniBooboo


    Thinking of you and sending you love. Just one foot in front of the other… until you come out the other side.

  • Jill @BabyRabies


    Just… awful. I am so sorry. You are a lovely person with a beautiful soul who I have no doubt will find love and light and joy again. xoxo

  • Julia Roberts


    Love and peace to you during this transition for you and the kids.

  • Leigh Ann


    My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending love and hoping you find some light soon.

  • Amy


    My heart aches for you. I am so very sorry. I wish I could take the pain away.

  • Davina Alloway


    I could tell you that the pain never goes away… You just get use to it! I could also tell you that you described all the feelings that every person who has experienced a divorce has felt! I could tell you what it feels like to see the love of your life with someone new…. but instead… I will send you a smile and prayer knowing that you and I are both stronger than we ever thought possible.

  • Anne @MidlifeBlvd


    Sending you love. I could have written much of this 20 years ago.

  • sisters from another mister


    And these words … they tumbled and poured, they will keep coming … And perfect.
    In time they will set you free in so many ways.
    Love always, so much of it xxx

  • Lee


    Praying for you and your family. Put one foot in front of the other and stay strong. You are a wonderful human being.

  • Shannon


    I am so sorry that this is happening to you, my friend. As sorry as I am, I am equally confident that you will have many happy times ahead.
    Sending love and huge, tight hugs.

  • Donna


    I am so sorry you are going through this.

  • Malia


    I don’t have any wisdom to impart or advice to give. I just want you to know that you have someone who is thinking about you and hoping you find a little more peace in your life, one day at a time. xoxo

  • Britt Reints


    I have been thinking of you lots recently, and every time I do I send you loads of love and offer up a prayer for you. xo

  • Jennifer E.


    I’m 5 years out my friend and there are still days that I cry. Just remember to take one day at a time and know that there are a ton of people that love you and want the best for you. This will not define you, it will only make you more amazing than you already are. xo

  • ilinap


    Writing is cathartic. You found the words and you will continue to find more. In the mean time, let our words lift you. xoxo

  • Rachael


    This makes my chest tight, and brings tears to my eyes. I know these feelings, so well that the words from a fellow writer expressing things I have felt so cutting and deep takes my breath away. I wrote an entire blog post last fall about grieving someone who isn’t dead.

    I know it’s a cliche, but it gets better. You still get blindsided by the bad days, and it is hard, and it hurts, but you are amazing, and you will be all right in the end. I know I don’t know you, but I know this struggle. It is hard, and it sucks.

    Write when you can. Some days you won’t be able, but other days the pain will create some of the most amazing words you’ve ever felt flow from your mind. <3

  • Phyllis


    all the hugs to you.

  • Amy


    Thinking of you Momo. I hope this virtual community, all of us out here supporting you and loving you, feels real to you. because it is.

  • jessica


    I was fortunate enough to have never loved my ex, no never, but yet, I still had so many times over the years where the pain of knowing we would never be a family again, was unbearable. We are all here for you kid. You will survive and you will thrive.

  • tracey


    I’m so sorry… I also adore you and am sending a hug with Melisa when she gets there.

  • maya


    Much love to you Momo.

  • Piper


    I’m so sorry the man you gave your life to for so many years did this to you. I would like to crack a baseball bat against his asshole head. But it really just proves that you’re better off without him.

    I know it’s impossibly hard. I’ve been through this twice now, and I hate it for you. I love you, my Momo. xo

    Remember this – a happy life is the best revenge.

  • jenijen


    I’m so sorry for your heartache, my friend. I wish the conference would hurry up and get here so you could get a proper group hug from all these women who love you. xo

  • Rita Arens


    thinking of you every day

  • Joan


    I wish you the best and pass along love and hugs to you and the kids. Even though you said you were in too much pain to write, this was powerful. I am so sorry you are in such pain.

  • Todd Owens


    di even your non writing is beautiful. You are so talented and have such a way with words. Thank you for sharing this chapter of your life, which will benefit you, but also help heal hundreds or thousands of others. Thank you!

  • Preeva


    so sorry for your pain

  • Christy


    I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. My husband and I have had difficult times and I wonder sometimes if parenting special needs children will break us. There are no words that I can say to comfort. Just know my heart goes out to you. Prayers sending your way.

  • Chris Carter


    This is the second post from a blogger who has written about her husband leaving her…

    Oh how my heart hurts for you both. I simply cannot imagine the pain.

    You wrote it beautifully. Praying you can find more light and healing and love again.

  • Jenn


    These words made my heart hurt for you. Sending you much love and hugs.

  • SunbonnetSmart


    Whoa, MoMo! This came up as a story on my Paper.li and I have spent the last 20 minutes or so, just reading and rereading your words. Oh, my! Your thoughts are resonating with me in such a profound way. Shocking transitions are never easy. I hate them. But, at the same time, I believe with all my heart that one day you will thank him and the Universe for his decision. Because, if he hadn’t moved on, allowing the space for your beautiful new life to unfold, you would not be able to receive all the wonders soon to be yours. Much love, Fondly, Robin

  • lisa


    My heart feels the “words” and the pain. I too am suffering a heartbreak, but, Momo,…from the moment I laid eyes on your blog, you’ve changed my mornings into joy. Take it one day at a time, one minute if necessary. Take time everyday to do exactly what you are doing, grieving. The process is long and hard and there is no measure of time. Love your kids, and most of all love yourself just a little. You are smart, you is kind, YOU are important. Love you xxx

  • Reggie Adler


    Are you wearing my shoes? My life ditto’s yours. I feel your pain and sadness. I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom to give you. Just knowing you aren’t alone doesn’t help at all. I believe my black cloud also hangs over you. I can identify with all of the traumatic events in your life. My heart is full of knives. It certainly isn’t anything you can prepare for or would ever forsee in your future. Thinking of you and I hope you receive my message. Reggie

  • barb best


    I – and so many – feel your pain. You found the words to heal and inspire. Thanks.

  • alexandra


    OH my friend.
    I won’t leave clichés or useless trite sayings. I can promise you that if it heals to write, and I know it will, you have an army of support of the best kind, to hear. You are not howling into the wind, we are here to capture and hold and tend to, what comes pouring and tumbling out. We love you. xo

  • Dee Dee B.


    I am always thrilled to wake up to an email that you have a new blog post. In fact just yesterday was hoping that you would do one soon as I so look forward to them. This one left me reading, re-reading and re-reading. And then I was speechless. I am so sorry that you are hurting, but even in this chapter of your life you are the most amazing writer. I will pray that the days start getting easier for you. My heart is heavy for you and your loss. Love you Momo!

  • Elaine A.


    You’re on my mind. I’m so very sorry that this is the way things are going. My heart hurts for yours, friend. Much love to you…

  • Asha Dornfest


    Another message from this funny Internet place to say how much I loved the little bit of time we’ve spent together, and that I’m sorry there’s so much pain right now. Many hugs to you.

  • Tim Kissane


    I thought I was the only one who cried in the shower. Be strong when you can and, when you can’t, let your friends carry you for a while. The pain will turn to a dull ache over time, until you rarely feel it anymore. There will always be a scar, but you can find happiness again. You’re a wonderful person and you deserve happiness. Be open to it and it will find you. Much love.

  • Jessica


    Long time mostly lurker. But this news destroys me. Because through the positive, and mostly rosy tone of your voice, I can tell you have CHALLENGES. Lots of them. You never whine or seem victimized by your life and lots of women would – you are a warrior for your children, an engaged professional, a powerful friend, and a devoted wife. And I always assumed you had a partner in your husband who helped carry the weight, who chased away the terror in the middle of the night, who championed you and believed in you and adored you. Because how could you be so much for so many if you didn’t have all that from him. But now I wonder how many nights you chased the terror away by yourself, plastered the brave face on in the morning, believed in yourself in the middle of other’s apathy. We all live with some kind of darkness but your husband wanting a divorce is an intense kind of darkness. I will pray for you and light a candle for you. And for your children. And I will pray for him because he is in a world of trouble.

  • Julie Ross Godar


    So much love to you, Momo. You’re in my heart.

  • Marsha Filia


    Your have touched many souls sharing this very personal and heartbreaking situation. Love and blessings to you and the kids. Your strength of spirit is evident in your writing and hopefully will steer you through this difficult time.

  • martinacrosby


    I was worried about you when you went so long without posting. I am so sorry about your marriage. I too thought you had a supportive mate. You are such a strong, loving person and you will feel joy again.

  • Mindydana H


    I’m a blog-stalker. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts over the years and I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you sharing this. I’m so sorry! I hope writing out your feelings has helped you move forward in this unwanted journey you’re on. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Average Jane


    Sending virtual hugs.

  • Toni


    Oh Momo.

    You were one of the first persons I turned to 2 years ago when I went through the same and I am so incredibly sorry.

    I’m here.
    I love you.
    We are all listening.

    From my own experience I know you probably won’t absorb this, but after thinking I would never get over what was done to me I can honestly say I am happier now than I have been in many, many years.
    I would have never believed that in my wildest dreams but I swear to you it’s true. You and you babies are in my prayers.

    XO

  • Kristin Shaw


    I promise you, D, that you are going to survive and even thrive after this. I promise you that if you keep putting one foot in front of the other that you will find your new rhythm. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt a little bit. But it’s going to get better.

  • Amanda


    I don’t know you other than reading her but I know from your posts how strong you are. You will survive this. It will suck and be so hard and you don’t deserve to go through it but I hope you come out the other side smiling. I am so sorry life keeps throwing you more and more but it will get better. I will be thinking of you!

  • Marianne


    I am so sorry this happened. You’re a beautiful, talented and lovely woman and you will find someone who thanks his lucky stars for you. Life will get better – really. Take life one step and one day at a time for now.

  • Headless Mom


    xoxo

  • Kari


    Hugs and love and love to you and the kids.
    I’m kicking him in the balls virtually as you read this.
    Hugs and love to you and the kids.
    Still kicking him.
    Harder this time.
    Hugs and love to you and the kids.

  • Melinna


    Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.
    It feels good not to be alone in this (*&()_ journey.

  • Birdie


    Hey momo. I’ve followed you since old blogging days and Create Buzz social network and I check in every so often to see how your life is going. Looks like things feel pretty damn crappy right now.
    I’ve been in similar shoes (though no one – no one – can understand completely, as none of us in this boat has the same story). I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I realized after some time, that I wouldn’t trade what I learned about love and myself (that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise), for the world.
    Things actually ended up working out that my husband,and I got back together a year after his… then 14 years later, I was the one to move on after 24 years of marriage. Our divorce will be final in a matter of weeks. I never saw that coming but come it did!

    Life is just one big, weird and wonderful adventure. You’re a badass mama; you’re gonna rock this!

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