For the third time in three months, a woman I know has sliced her hand and/or fingers while working in the kitchen. I think this is a sign. You’re welcome, ladies.

First it was my sister with an avocado and a dull knife, then it was a friend with another avocado and another dull knife. She got her tendons involved and ended up with surgery and nice little hospital stay. She’s actually an over-achiever, so this wasn’t a big surprise. Hi, Karen!

Today, my friend Melisa was cutting an apple with a very sharp, very big knife, when she cut off the tip of her finger. After talking to her I decided to revisit this post about when my son did the very same thing. Ironically, Melisa left the first comment on that post, so the finger chopping has come full-circle. Mustafa is pleased.

Even though it was five years ago, my son still remembers his finger-splint, named Tapper, quite well. But I think Melisa may have him beat in the memorable-finger-splint department. Just a hunch.

Bird courtesy of Melisa at Suburban Scrawl

Follow

Email

Within hours of putting up my last post, I was in the hospital. You can’t make this stuff up, people.

It started with a dull ache on my lower right side and ended with sharp pain in the same spot that spread across my belly. I went to the ER thinking that I had an appendicitis or kidney stone and ended up being admitted so that I could prep for a colonoscopy. Yippee!

Everything you’ve ever heard about a colonscopy is true. The prep is the worst part, but what no one tells you is that IT’S NOT THAT BAD. I drink an entire bottle of Miralax powder mixed into frozen Gatorade and thanks to the Dilaudid I was on, I thought I was drinking a slushie.

Of course, that didn’t work because my bowels? They are stubborn. So at 4:00am I drank Golytely (pronounced, Go Lightly, because someone has a sick sense of humor) mixed with iced-down Shasta. At this point I had been up for 48 hours, was hopped up on pain meds and was very thirsty. Golytely went down (and out) without a problem. You’re welcome.

The colonscopy itself? Who cares! After Versed and Demorol you’ll look like this when they wheel you in.

What is that thing hanging from the ceiling? You’re going to put that in my innards? Okay!

Another thing no one tells you (and this could be because they’re too embarrassed, but I’ve already said, “innards” so I obviously have no shame) is that you will have intestines full of air when you are done. My step-mom told me I’d be gassy, but that term doesn’t really do it justice. I’ll just say that I’m glad I didn’t have a roommate, or visitors, and that my husband is, quite possibly, the most understanding man on the planet (who, for the record, canceled a THIRD trip out of town because of MY medical emergencies) (he wins for best husband).

All in all, the colonoscopy wasn’t the horrible experience people seem to think it is. I even got to hallucinate a little bit!

My pain was diagnosed as an inflammatory bowel flare-up. I don’t have Crohn’s, or cancer, or anything awful. The doctor said it was likely brought on by stress and told me to start meditating, and breathing, and stop clenching my teeth. I said, “Give me more Dilaudid and we’ll talk.”

So, I have a counter full of new medicines to take (for now) and I was cleared for travel to New York in a couple of days.

And now? Katie Couric and I totally have something to talk about.

Follow

Email

Back in January I bought a couple of Groupons. One for 18 weeks of boot camp (did I tell you that I’ve GAINED two pounds?) and one for sclerotherapy.

What’s that fellas and kids under 35? You don’t know what sclerotherapy is? Well, it’s when a doctor injects a solution into your blood vessels to eliminate spider veins.

Yes, that’s right. I bought a Groupon for cosmetic surgery and I’m telling you about it on my blog. Who loves self-deprecation? *Stands up* *Waves hand*

But, people, this is ME we’re talking about. I can’t just go in and use my Groupon for vein surgery without getting a pre-operative ultrasound that shows I have honest-to-goodness venous insufficiency. That’s a fancy way of saying my blood pumps the wrong way.

Left untreated, the burning pain I feel in my legs (that I always assumed was nerve pain) would get worse and I would likely end up with some bulging, varicose veins…which would really kind of put a damper on swim suit season.

So before I can have the sclerotherapy, I have to get vein ablations in both legs. Today I go in for my left leg and next week, my right.

Clearly, you can see the good in this situation right? No? Well, let me tell you!

I am preemptively striking against bulging veins (good), the pain and burning in my legs will improve (good), then I can have sclerotherapy to get rid of the spider veins I’ve had since high school (good) and I’m pretty sure they’re going to give me Morphine (better).

The downside? A week of wearing a thigh-high compression stocking in 90 degree heat.

So, while I’m lying in front of a fan and sleeping off some medicine you should head over to my post about Gatorade Moms where BlogHer is giving one of my readers a $100.00 gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods!

If you win, could you pick me up some cute compression capris?

Follow

Email

Today is my third, and final, day of a three-day fruit and vegetable cleanse that I did per the instructions of my boot camp leader.  The only other woman I know who completed the cleanse went to a restaurant on the fourth day and ate crab bisque.  She pooped her pants before she even made it home.

Tonight, I’m going to dinner with some friends.  You know how you always start a diet and think, “I should start after New Year’s” then it’s, “I should start after the Super Bowl” then, “I should start after Valentine’s Day”?  Well, I got tired of putting it off.

But, considering the crab bisque story, I’m thinking I should have waited until after dinner with my friends tonight.  Or, maybe, when they asked me where I wanted to eat, I shouldn’t have suggested a Mexican restaurant.

Follow

Email